two years isn't that long a wait

time together after he arrived from everywhere (he was all over the place). anyway, i was really happy to see him again. happy to see a familiar face, smell that familiar scent. happy to feel his warmth. just being with him makes me want to smile nonstop.

anyway, we went to sm north, to annex, back to main then to trinoma where we ate at BK. pictures in my multiply. and again, we talked about things..

*sigh*
here's the thing. he is 98% sure that he will convert. what hinders him? its actually a who. its his mother. and i understand it,really. in fact, i am grateful because he has so much respect for his mother. so in that condition, we have to wait for two years (that is, after he graduates from college). two years.. i cant say.. he is right, things could happen in those two years. he only considers my opportunities. i might find someone new (which i doubt).. i might not leave him even if i desperately want to (in that improbable future date) out of guilt. it is reasonable, but avoidable (and quite impossible) *fingers crossed*

in my defense, i doubt that even if there are temptations abound, i will still stick with him. why? because i couldve chosen another person to fall for but i chose him. because we are both serious with what we want. it is scary to assume at this point, but these are possibilities. why did i choose him over the others? because he is matured, he knows what he wants. we have things in common. i like spending time with him (which i hope i dont outgrow).. i can feel that his intentions are pure and he really loves me.

he mentioned something about the future. indeed, it is very possible. and i do sometimes think of it myself. although it is still quite early to assume. i dont know. if a man wants to secure himself with the woman he loves, what else could that woman ask for?

we can build our dreams together. so what is two years compared to an eternity?

to my father

hey dad!

i have so many things against you. since i was a kid, you caused me a lot of pain. do you know why i have so many scars on my legs. you dont know it but it was your fault. i was being so rebellious for all your strictness. silly me that i didnt know i was actually hurting myself. i just hate it when you tell me to not do things that i do the exact opposite without thinking about it. dont worry, i know better now.

i really hate you for not listening to me. i dont know why you are so proud to be my father (are you?) when you dont know much about me. i am a total stranger to you, daddy. you dont know what i have been through. you dont know what i was able to do. you have no idea of the things i was able to accomplish. i dont know why is that. maybe you were to busy looking at different things. or maybe because you were just not interested.

dad, you're a very self-centered and narrow-minded at times. i know these words are very harsh. probably you are not entirely self-centered. because i know you care about us in some degree. i appreciate your efforts for making sure we have all our needs at times. but you know what, dad, more important than these physical things are things of the heart. we may not be as affectionate as other families. i dont need that either. i just need an ear that listens, a heart that understands. a father that trusts. dad, we are not stupid, and you know it. sometimes, you are too proud to admit it. you wont explain things, how are we supposed to understand them? we cant figure out things on our own all the time. it is heart-breaking.

dad, why dont you understand me sometimes? am i a really bad daughter? was i really disrespectful? do i only give you heartache? do you know dad, i feel the same way too. i may only be your daughter, but i deserve some respect too. maybe it is difficult for you to give it to me. i am not expecting too much anyway. i just need you to listen. and to understand.

it pains me to have a relationship with you this bad. i usually go along well with guys in general, what is the matter with us? you are my father. and i love you, by default. but i dont feel the love from you. as if you were only doing things because you were expected to do so.

im sorry if i feel this way.. maybe if i am older, i will understand why. for now, i am as confused as any teenage daughter with angst to her parents. dad, you dont know how much heartache you have caused me. how many times i cried because of the pain i felt because of you. but because of that, dad. i thank you. i am a much braver person now, braver than i expected. or probably it was just for show. i dont know.

i just hope things will get better between the two of us. i dont want you to get in the way of achieving my dreams and being totally happy. dont worry dad, i will still take care of you when you get old.

four thoughts

i am expecting this will be a long blog entry. we'll see..

number1: we havent been talking to each other for quite some time already. although i didnt mind it that much. it means we'll have a lot to talk about when we see each other again. besides, we update each other when we have to. it is enough, i think..

i really want to see him soon. i hope tomorrow.

number 2: PNK

i don't mind the new responsibility. but everytime i think about it, this thought always comes in mind: never the big boss, always the second in command. i dont want to think that way, but it is quite true. i dont know if i truly deserve the position. we are in this stage when people are not quite active. are the skills i learned in Gabay applicable here? i cant tell. but at least now, i am certain that God will not forsake me here.

number 3: dad

this frustrates me, really. i guess this is just a test of patience for me again. i love my family deeply. but i dont know how far that love can take me.

this is what happened. dad is pissed with me. i am pissed with him as well, and i dont know why. my mom's theory is that, dad cant take out his anger to anyone at home anymore so he's just taking it out on me. unfair i know. its just, sad on my part

we'll see in the years to come what will happen..

the future is certainly a scary thing. but with a ready heart, and a determined mind, nothing is too scary to overcome.

number 4: i cant bear this anymore. i really need to talk to him to clear things out. i am quite torn on how i would open it to him. option 1: be mean, option 2: be subtle and sensitive. i am opting for option 2. however, i dont know when i could talk to him. i wont be seeing him for quite sometime (which is a relief!) but i want to get this over with soon.

honestly, i pity the guy. he is so ickingly devoted. however, all his efforts don't work for me for one simple reason. i just dont like him the way he likes me. i can be really stubborn at times.

so there, i will try to be nice. and i really hope he leaves me alone for good.

i am planning to return everything he has given me. its such a shame. gawd. i am mean.

this post is not so long after all

im slowly finding myself

i am becoming more accustomed to my situation now. although at times, i worry when i am not talking to him. but absence make the heart go fonder. passe. and i hope true. if i talk to him all the time, we will have nothing to talk about when we see each other again (which i hope is soon)

so there.. since i have permitted other things to preoccupy my mind, things really did enter it. so now, my focus is being challenged again. i dont want to be scattered and fragmented. (waley). anyway.. there are a lot of things i need to think about again. it is really scary.

the thing is, i don't mind being second in command. i am about to forgo my position in my org and i think i can handle it (really makes me wonder if i really am a born leader. what is [wrong] with me?) i will have time to dedicate (i hope). but but. being second in command to who. that is the issue here. i just dont want to be a mere assistant. i have a head of my own. i may seem very submissive about a certain system. but i dont want to stay that way.

there. i also realized that i actually have dreams. its just that they are not as concrete or tangible as others'. but i have my direction.

i saw mom's shirt today. with a 1998 print. it means that shirt already exists for ten years. that much time has passed already. time really flies. so why would i worry about what will happen in two years. five years. time will just fly by anyway. i just have to cherish every moment of it.

what i really wanted to tell him at this point

i just came to church last night.. and it made me think about him again (as if i dont think of him all the time anyway..)

i really wonder what goes through his mind when we go to church together. i mean, its not only a social event that we have to go to together. more importantly, its supposedly a nourishment for the soul. does that really happen to both of us?

although i have a slight idea of what his future plans are, i am still not certain of it. when will he tell me? im becoming so anxious already. although i dont want to speed things up, i also dont want to spend too much time and invest too much energy. i want to put things right this time, but i also dont want to get hurt in the process. i am strong. but sometimes i doubt this side of myself. it is a scary world out there..

things are becoming special already. i dont want to get hurt. but i also want to cherish every moment of it.

some sensible conversation

ayoko na lang malungkot

sobrang talaga akong nagwwallow sa fact na hindi ko siya nakikita..
minsan, bigla na lang ako natitigilan at naiisip kung ano sana ang pwede naming gawin together.. eeeewww..

super cheese. ano ba to.

hindi ko siya nakausap ngayon. siguro walang signal sa pampanga. rawr. bakit kaya ganun?

minsan, ayoko na lang magplurk kasi puro na lang tungkol sa kaniya ang napplurk ko. rawr na naman.

masyado nang boss-centric ang buhay ko. eeewww ulit.

nako, karen. ano buzz. have a life!

who's afraid of commitment now?

after three failed "relationships", one finally gets to sit down and realize what has happened in those three.. but after evaluating and learning from those experiences, i have to move forward now and face this budding fourth..

this one is different and so far, the best yet, of all my relationships. why do i say so? well for one, he's the only one who has the balls to actually do something about my situation. the others never really gave it much thought which made me really anxious. he also is the sweetest, although corny at the same time. we really did the mushy and cheesy stuff which was great. we took things slow. one day at a time.. never missing a chance to be with each other if time (and space) permits..

but now, when things seem to fall into place, i think i might be the real problem after all.. i might look far into the future as far as relationships are concerned, but i also overlook the time and space between the present and that future date. i seem to have the goal, but not the proper steps of achieving them. im just caught up with the present and the future, nothing in between.

sad thoughts..

thinking thoughts part 2

to our orgmates: we are MU
to my church friends: we are friends only but up to something more.
to my family: we are friends only.

its weird to have different perceptions of statuses to different people. i just wish time will come when everything is uniform and identically distributed. dammit. perfect description

thinking thoughts

hmmm... it is starting to dawn on me.. depressing thoughts.. after the many elating days, its gone.. we're apart now.

come to think of it..im not the kind who is soo dependent on my partner. fine i miss him,but not to the point that i dont feel like doing anything because he's not with me. or just wishing he's with me wherever i am. as if i can't stand on my own two feet. its not me. i feel alienated...

sometimes i think, he really handles things more maturely than i do. and its weird. am i really on this stage of life where everythings gets turned inside out. from the organize freak to the happy-go-lucky. from the strong and independent to the needy and immature. what has happened to me? can falling make me change this much?

but come to think of it, time apart means time for myself. time to find myself again. some soul-searching.. right. i need to use this time wisely because come january, i dont want to be alienated again...


ok so back to the happy and kilig updates..

we had our supposed last day together last friday.. as promised, we again stayed in bel field, him ditching the caroling night which made me feel really guilty but he promised he'll explain to the caroling people. we ate the food we brought. green mangoes as promised.. although we didnt buy any bel field food as we intended to. and then we watched the stars, and the lights until they were turned off. and hugged, and hugged some more.. sigh.. record of having the longest, sweetest, weirdest hug ever. he gave me a gift. a monkey i'll be naming after him. i demanded him to spray his cologne on the monkey so i can still smell him all the time (although i miss terribly his old smell). and i'll be putting him beside me as i go to sleep...Ü

first time we held hands. his hands are so big. and very warm, too.

then, come sunday, i wasnt so sure if he could come. but he did. and mom saw us together and thought something's up. i knew it. mothers can really feel what's going on with their daughters. oh well...

then that was it. that was the last time we'll be seeing each other until God knows when. it saddens me. i miss him terribly right now. but i have to be strong. on my own. i dont have to depend on him all the time..

after the longest time

ang tagal ko na rin palang hindi naguupdate..
wala lang, bisi-bisihan kuno..

hmm.. ano bang kwento.. well, the usual stuff.. hangout, kwentuhan, kilitian, hugs..

ayy, nung tuesday, pumunta kami sa leong roofdeck para magpahangin.. at nagkwento lang siya about his childhood at nagcomment siya sa dumi sa ilong ko, wakekekke..


wednesday, kwinento ko naman siya sa pearls at kina abi nung nagmeet kami para sa lantern parade.. namiss ko siya that day kasi hindi ko siya kasama pero lagi niya naman akong tinetext so ok na rin

thursday, well, kanina, hindi kami gaano nagbonding.. pero meron akong rewards from him: 1. lollipop 2. infinite kiliti 3. 1-minute hug na inextend ko to infinite times of 1-minute hugs. demanding, i know..

wala lang, feeling ko lang ang PDA namin.. ewww..


kanina ko lang nabasa yung blog niya.. touching.. grabe, parang perfect. haaaayyyyy

sang araw sa huling buwan ng taon
naligkis ng lamig buo niyang katawan
sa parang na tila luntiang karagatan
sa duyan ng kahoy siya nanahan

nakatunghay sa pinakamatarok na likha
sa krus siya ay nakatingala
paligid niya'y may kumikislap na gaya ng mga tala
ngunit ni isa rito ang pumawi sa pagkabalisa

hanggang sa ang pinakamakinang na tala sa kanyang langit na tinitingala
sa kanya na ay bumaba
hindi na nga nagkakalayo at kapiling na
siguro nga'y wala na siyang hihilingin pa

ayun.. minsan talaga napapaisip ako.. namimiss ko siya pag hindi ko siya kasama. para bang gusto ko lang na lagi ko siyang katabi. pero minsan naman wala kaming pinag-uusapan. wala lang. weird lang. pero fun talaga pag kasama ko siya. kasi wala lang. bonding..

napapaisip din ako kung anong sense nito? wala lang. sweet lang. happy ka lang. tapos, so what? wala lang.

pero happy naman ako. at nasasanay na rin ako sa mga usual things na ginagawa namin. specially the hugs. i love it!

haaayyy...

i heart bel field

ang ganda ng bel field.. at wala nang mas gaganda pa sa view pag kasama mo ang taong nagpapasaya sayo..

haayy, enuf said.. aral mode na..Ü

monthsary daw e..

ayun.. so nagbonding kami kanina.. sobrang saya.. sobrang enjoy.. as in..

haayyy.. at first, nabwisit ako kasi sabi niya mallate daw siya.. 230 kasi yung usapan namin. pero malapit na mag-230 pero hindi pa rin siya nagttext.. so tinext ko na siya.. at sabi niya, mallate daw siya kasi nagkaproblema something sa bahay.. so fine.. tapos 330 na lang daw niya ko susunduin.. fine.. e di nag-aral na lang ako kuno ng ma187..

tapos yun, sinundo na niya ko. bagong gupit ang mokong, hahah.. nainitan daw e..
sinabi niya na rin finally na sa riverbanks ang tuloy namin.. ok fine..Ü medyo traffic nga, gaya ng sabi niya.. pagdating namin dun, naglaro muna kami ng basketball.. nakakangalay, 3 straight games.. pero nakuha ko rin yung pitik ng kamay ko, so natuwa naman ako..Ü

after nun, kain na kami.. tapos lumabas kami.. well, andun na yung surprise.. grabe, ano ba.. natutuwa talaga ako.. sobrang sweet.. pero sobrang corny.. pero sobrang sweet pa rin talaga, ok.. haaayyyy... kinasabwat niya yung brother niya para dalhin yung food dun, na luto ng mom niya (ok, family effort here).. tapos yun, may dala siyang sarong tapos umupo kami sa grass.. tapos kumain together.. haaayyy, ang saya.. ayun, tapos kwentuhan.. bonding.. ang saya lang talaga.. nakakarelax.. masarap lang siya katabi, habang nakasandal ka lang sa kaniya.. yun.. i feel so at peace..

nung pauwi na kami, dumaan kami sa isang burger store at may rose pa.. ano buzz.. parang gusto ko nang maloka at that moment, ok..

tapos yun, hinatid niya ko pauwi.. grabe.. ang masasabi ko lang, first time ko maka-experience ng ganung preparation.. ng ganung effort. yung susunduin ka pa at ihahatid kahit kaya mo naman mag-isa.. tapos may pagka-traditional yung dating with the rose and the family help, pero hindi ka ba kikiligin sa ganung gestures.. grabe.. i just feel so loved..

ayun.. and the importance of the date.. why does it have to be 14th? e kasi monthsary nga daw namin.. one month since the CEAP thing.. so yun.. happy "monthsary" hahahah...Ü

excited, happy.. but too much...

adsa xmas party kagabi at kumanta yung Gabay carolers.. first time ko sila marinig.. at magaling sila.. as in, sobrang para akong sasabog sa tuwa nung marinig ko sila kasi ang galing talaga.. tapos nung kinanta nila yung Emmanuel, parang hindi nakapagpigil si Sir RSA at sinabayan sila ng kahon. ang galing.. wala lang.. amazed talaga ako.. at alam na ng ADSA people ang about samin, pero i dont mind.. kinikilig nga ako. (hay, ang landi..)

bukas, magbbonding kami.. hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin namin. surprise daw. oh well.. sana mag-enjoy kami.. wala akong idea talaga..

haaayyy... pero kailangan ko rin mag-aral.. balance!!!

wala lang, kinakabahan lang ako sa fact na baka may mga napapabayaan na ako.. like myself.. ewan ko.. yun. kailangan mag-aral..

naalala ko yung "quiz" na pina-take sakin ni lorenz.. parang totoo na siya ngayon.. taker ako, babaguhin ko siya.. pero hindi naman masyado.. sa tingin ko naman, ok pa kami.. sana.. gusto ko siya kausapin, pero tungkol saan. hindi, gusto ko lang siyang kasama. hahaha.. haynakokarennagigingmasyadokanangdependent. masama ito.

may isa pa pala akong pinagtataka.. bakit dito pa rin ako nagbblog kahit na hindi naman na ako masyadong naglilihim? hhahaha

ganun pala ang feeling

kahapon, hindi ko alam kung BI ba siya o hindi.. nafeel ko ang "bad side" ng pagkakaroon ng relationship dahil naging hindrance siya para mag-aral ako.. irrational.. tsk tsk.. joke lang.. ang katwiran ko naman kasi, hindi ako makaaral kasi masama pa pakiramdam ko nun, so pointless magstay sa lib.. tapos nun, wala naman na akong iba pang pwede pang gawin.. so yun, might as well spend some time with him para naman di sayang sa oras..

so yun, bonding galore kami.. as in kwentuhan lang ng kung ano ano.. pansin ko lang na tahimik lang talaga ako.. ewan ko.. siguro wala lang akong maisip na mapag-usapan.. so siya na lang lagi yung nagkkwento.. tinanong ko naman siya kung nabbore siya, hindi naman daw.. ako kasi, masaya naman ako na kasama ko siya.. saka wala naman akong thoughts na tinatago sa kaniya so happy talaga ako.. nothing really disturbs me then..

anyway, we talked about seniors' syndrome.. hindi ko siya nararamdaman, at hindi yun ang motivation ko para magkaroon ng relationship.. ewan ko.. pero yun, hindi ko talaga naffeel.. hindi rin naman ako desperado. pero now that its here, im happy about it.. one thing more, i'll be staying for one more year, hopefully for my fifth year.. so with regards to the age difference, yun lang ang number one fear ko na magkakalayo kami agad after i graduate.. pero since may fifth year nga, hindi sana ganun yung maging case.. we might have less bonding time.. pero yun, we can still text each other all the time to the point na magsasawa na rin kami, wahahahha.. chos.

pinag-usapan din namin yung paghatid thing. masaya ako about it actually. kaya lang may fear of inconsistency na hindi naman maiiwasan. and to be honest, parang ngayon lang ako nakaranas ng ligawan stage.. parang ngayon lang nagiging slow but sure. pero masaya ako na katabi ko siya, close kami, doing things together.. wala lang, masaya lang talaga..

haayy.. saya, papasok na ulit ako bukas..Ü

i so missed blogging

for one, im in school now.. after resting for five days at home, thus extending my long weekend, im back to my feet now.. im so happy to be back.. and so psyched to see him again..

although i wasnt able to see him for two days, we constantly keep in touch anyway so it made the painful days bearable, really..

in fact, when i was writhing in pain because of my antibiotic (apparently, i didnt eat enough for a heavy meal so my stomach started to react violently, i had to puke my lunch. it was really really painful. plus i hate puking, so it made the feeling a lot worse..), i had to distract myself so i could zone out the pain. i thought of happy moments. our conversation last night and the nights before, times we were together. and it really helped. got me the distraction i needed. before that, i was crying in pain (to think that i have a very high tolerance for pain), afterwards, almost no pain..

bad thing about it was, i couldnt eat too well.. im still afraid of the possibility of vomiting again. however, come lunch time, i wouldnt have much of a choice since i have to take the effing antibiotic again.. price i have to pay to get well soon enough (i hope!)

today, much as i would like to spend so much time with him, i have to catch up on my academics since im way behind already.. two prob sets due tomorrow and i wasnt able to work on those since i was still recuperating until yesterday.. but i still cant force myself to do a lot today.. i still have to be careful, else i'll be missing friday's party (oohh, what a lot at stake, hahahah)

what other could've thought, and my own

today, more people learned about us.. although it wasn't really a big deal for me, i just wish they wouldn't exaggerate their reactions towards us.. i mean, do we really have to be the center of much teasing? im not mad or anything.. probably, its just that part of me that hates being in the center of attention..

of course, part of people knowing about us are the thoughts that course through their minds about our relationship. how come? she's too old for him or he's too young for her.. who would've thought? she's not as gwapo as she used to be.. what happened.. . most of these had crossed my mind too.. but i was able to look beyond these questions.. what's important is what we feel towards each other (eewww. cheese) and what we know about ourselves...

more time with him.. although we talk less of the things about us, and more of the trivial things.. i wonder if he thinks im a burden to talk to.. or he seems to never run out of things to say.. he IS talkative.. who would've thought? although sometimes, i dont get the chance to say the things i want to say.. which is not so good.. what's wrong with me?

two hugs today.. not bad..Ü

he "waited" for me to finish my exam so we could go home together.. i wonder if he feels obliged to take me home..

i am wondering about a lot of things right now, but im already feeling the need to sleep..

i hope tomorrow is a better day for me.. for us..

a different kind of bonding

my day started unpleasantly, but i managed to get through all of it because i had one thing in mind, our bonding later in the afternoon.. it was a good thing that i really planned to jog in school at least once a week after my tuesday class, so it was like hitting two birds with one stone..

however, since i dont have much practice in any physical activity, my weak stamina got the better of me, so i had to stop jogging, a few minutes after we started.. i was already having side stitches.. it was starting to get really painful.. much as i would like to keep up with him, i dont want to be in so much pain, so i had to let him go ahead, as i walked my way to the cov courts where we agreed to meet after a few minutes..

after jogging, we stayed by his locker to rest for a while.. i was really having the urge to give him a huge hug despite our being so sweaty.. but i resisted myself.. i settled on just leaning on his shoulder because i was really dead beat then.. he still smelled nice even though he was really dripping with sweat..

we changed afterwards, and behold, we were wearing the same shirt, hahaha.. the shirt we got from CEAP.. oohh, tells something.. anyway, it was time for us to go home then.. kim joined us, but i didnt mind.. i hope he didnt mind either..

before going home, he treated me with kwek kwek.. (street food, it was an adventure for me, hahaha).. he also saved me from getting hit by a motorcycle. (damn that driver) and he tried to hugged me before he bid me goodbye, but my bagpack was so huge, so i wondered how it felt for him..

there.. good day for me again.. enough to get me inspired for my lt tom..

i wonder why i had to blog all the things that's been happening about us. i was even thinking if i would let him read this one day.. i dont know.. maybe, this whole experience makes me extremely happy. so its nice to keep good memories, right?

dahil mabuti akong estudyante...

...magbblog muna ako bago tapusin ang prob set sa amf 131

i have mixed feelings.. natutuwa ako sa nangyari sa weekend ko.. napakilala ko na siya sa ate ko! pero as a friend pa lang.. it was almost like a chaperoned date.. hahaha.. pero it was fun.. free movie and free food!! (although hindi ko gaano naenjoy yung dinner.. well at least, we shared our dinner, as in all. at super takaw ko.. karen, konting finesse. hahahh)

anyway, it was a fun night out.. pero nakakapagod at nakakaantok..

on the other side of the coin, nawwierduhan talaga ako kasi hindi namin ma-figure out kung bakit hindi ko narereceive yung messages niya sakin since sunday. saaadddd.. wala lang.. of all people na hindi ko pa matatanggapan ng messages, siya pa.. so ngayon, i text him using my mom's phone and then he replies to me through my dad's number.. o diba, family effort.. wahahahaha

so there, now i have to finish the prob set..

last thing, we had a little drama last sunday, before we watched the movie.. (we watched twilight!).. i was glad we were able to resolve it immediately.. he is such a mature person and i really admire him for that..