sabi ko na nga ba...

hindi ko matitiis na hindi magpost..

marami akong random thoughts na naiisip. although maganda naman sana kasing i-share yun via plurk, minsan, tinatamad na lang talaga ako..

una, hindi ko talaga alam kung magffifth year pa ako..

pros:
sayang ang opportunity, may scholarship na ko e.
mas mataas na sweldo after grad
hindi pa ako prepared magtrabaho
ayoko pa umalis ng ateneo
gusto ko na magkaroon ng masters degree
eto naman talaga yung original plan ko e.
willing pa naman ang mga magulang ko na pag-aralin ako for one more year.

cons:
tinatamad na talaga ako. saka nanghihinayang ako kasi parang tanga na talaga ako e.
wala na akong naiintindihan sa mga majors ko, tapos itutuloy ko pa rin for another year?
downward sloping ang grades ko since 3rd year. grabe, ano nalang ang matitira sakin next year
medyo parang ginugusto ko na rin magtrabaho
madedelay pa ang aking freedom.


ewan ko talaga. hindi ako makapag-rationalize kung anong gagawin ko sa buhay ko. para na naman akong nagpapatangay na lang sa agos ng buhay.

hmm.. marami pa akong gustong isulat tulad ng nangyari sa immersion ko. tapos yung dilemma ko about friendship..

eto, isa namang bagay na nagpapasaya sa akin ngayon ang aking relasyon kay boss. basta masaya ako samin. ayoko mang maging sobrang forward-looking, pero may potensyal talaga na baka siya na nga. haay.. tama na nga to. gusto kong maayos na ang buhay namin..

excited na ang nanay niya na ma-meet ako. natatakot ako. siguro meron na akong ganung phobia sa mga nanay. haha. pero siyempre, we'll see kung anong mangyayari sa april 7 (or sooner, bahala na.)

nagpunta kaming riverbanks kanina out of mere whim. waley talaga. nakakain na rin ako sa wakas sa ice cream house at umubos kami ng isang pint ng cherry go round. hahah. pareho kaming hindi mahilig sa cherry ice cream pero nag-enjoy na rin kaming magpatayan sa buong cherries. hahah. tapos arcade. wala lang talaga ako sa mood maglaro kanina. at umupo muli sa damuhan sa riverbanks. haaayyy.. tapos siomai house. karen, anong diet ang pinagsasabi mo? tugsh.

hmmm.. masaya na rin ako sa buhay ko. pero tulad nga ng sabi niya, merong mga aspect ng buhay ng tao na hindi pa rin defined kaya nakapagpapabawas sa sayang nararamdaman mo. oh well.

ayun, hindi ako stressed. pagod lang. at maraming pang kailangang gawin. may theory ako na hindi naman natural na stressed ang tao. meron tayong mga stress drivers at para maiwasan yung stress, kailangan maiwasan ang mga stress drivers na yun. narealize ko na ang main stress driver ko ay ang dami ng dapat kong gawin. pero kahit ganun, gusto ko pa rin. may pagka-masokista nga siguro ako.

awat na. marami pa talagang kailangang gawin.

2 months

i thought he forgot. he didn't but he just didnt bring it up. its not that its not important. its just that, there are other more important things (i forgot what he really said about this, but i understand anyway)..

we still made this day special despite our frustrations. we really have a liking for fields. it was nice to see stars in the sky, and it was really cold. he is still sweet as always. i feel secure and happy and satisfied. although it meant risking getting home later than my expected time. i felt safe anyway because i know he's with me..

it just struck me that knowing that i have someone really special in my life now, it also worries me that i might lose him again. being both forward-looking, two months seemed to just fly by past us. but for me, i savored every moment of it. recalling all the thoughts that crossed my mind, every little significant thing that happened. maybe i am immersing myself too much into it. but this makes me happy, and quite irrational at times. but still, i trust him and myself that we can get past into any hardships. i am just hoping for the best now..

talking resolves things

hmm.. today was a happy day, we were able to discuss a few important things.

it was quite a light day for me. thanks to the amf131 free cut. during our free time together, we bonded again in the roofdeck where it was insanely cold.

we were lucky to have chairs there so we were able to sit on somewhere. we were quite fearing of getting caught by some guards although we werent doing anything wrong. the fact that we were staying there when we're not supposed to, is well, unreasonable...

anyway, i told him i loved leaning on his shoulder. i really feel secured when i do so. although it feels awkward because my face becomes too close to him. its as if i was tempting him to do something that he fears i might be angry about..

another thing, we also agreed to lessen pda (if that's how you would call it since its not really that). its for our own good, i guess.. and he just wants to protect me..

we had another long tight hug before we left leong roofdeck. it felt like ages since we were able to do that, and it felt really nice and comforting.. i also felt his respect for me.. and for his self, i guess.. it is nice.

regarding the kiss thing, i told him, i wanted each to be special (although he argues that every day is special. really now. haha) so as not to lose the meaning. i guess that clears things up..Ü

one sad thing though... i wont be around on his birthday on the 24th.. that is, if our immersion sched will push through on the 23rd-25th.. i dont want to be selfish and prevent my groupmates to have an out-of-town immersion. so there, i had to be away. possibly without permission to use my phone.. i just have to make it up to him. when i told him about it, he wouldnt admit that it would be sad for him.. he was just trying to be understanding, as always.. but it would be really sad..

i just noticed while im writing all these down, my mind seem so fragmented.. nothing seemed coherent.. and everything sounded absurd.. i cant find the proper words to describe how im feeling. its unusual..

btw, it is our 2nd "monthsary" tomorrow. i dont know if he has plans, or if he even remembered.. im still fighting the urge to mention it to him. i dont know what to do. my plans for tomorrow are already hindered by my late execution.. so i guess, we have to do with what is available, which i have no idea what our options are.

on other things, i might be able to get full scholarship again for my fifth year. yey!Ü

its been a while

i really resisted the temptation of updating here because of my stressful academic week. but now that i am temporarily free, its time to be ultimately cheesy and well, kinda problematic..

well, first of all, it was a rather disappointing comeback week for us. for one, we've been so busy. its like, the moment we went back to school meant that we dont have much time to spend together. it is frustrating. and in the short times that we are together, we dont seem to spend quality time. what is quality time to me anyway?

another thing, i really want to discuss some serious stuff about us, but i dont want to add to the things that really stress him out for the moment. he is handling two upcoming projects, plus his acad load is not really that light. plus, the pressure of elections (i dont even know if that's bothering him). on the other hand, i have my fair share of troubles myself. i dont want to get straight Ds in all my majors. i am so frustrated with myself as if i havent done anything right the moment 2nd sem started so now im suffering. crap.

so there, i really miss hanging out with him. and really enjoying and relaxing. but i suppose those things will have to wait.

one thing that really bothers me now is our intimacy. are we PDA-ing? i cant tell. but i really miss those bonding times. i wonder if he feels the same way.

another thing, i seem a bit insecure lately. what is wrong with me? with him? with us?

crap. i hate being melodramatic.

updates..

hmm.. i haven't been blogging about him for quite some time so its time again to become disgustingly cheesy, hehehh

so yesterday was new year's eve. i was not really in the mood to celebrate.. it was a peaceful welcome to the new year. and its ok with me. i find happiness in silence..

anyway, we've been texting for some time, and he asked me if we could talk over the phone. we couldnt at first because dad forced us to call tita liz first. after talking to tita liz, and when my parents have settled in their room, i called him up. i guess we talked for almost an hour. i wonder if he actually understood what i was saying then since my voice was so muffled. i couldnt talk that much since people at home were already sleeping. i didnt want dad to catch me talking with him...

anyway, i slept afterwards.. he told me that his blanket smelled like me. haha.. i guess he's so used to how i smell.. i now wonder if i would be changing from cologne to perfume or would i be sticking to my old smell.. we'll see..

i asked him what was one thing that i could do that would hurt him immensely. he told me, the things that hurt him in the past. like betraying him for someone else and hiding things from him. i on the other hand told him that i would hate him if he we wouldnt talk things over and explain why we did things, specially the bad ones. the point is, not wanting to explain means not wanting the other person to understand which will lead to confusion. i dont want to be left confused. it is a really frustrating feeling.

i am still so crazy about him.. sometimes, i think i am already overly swooning over him. which is sickeningly sweet and could be irritating at times. good thing, he can still tolerate me..

we went to church together on the 1st. i thought he wasnt coming because it was already 625 and i told him to drop by at 620. turns out, he just couldnt text me, and he was there already there by 6. anyway, it was nice to see him again, as always. he complimented my dress. he gave me some fruit salad her mother made. he told his mother he was going out on a date. sort of. we took the longer way home, because i wanted to spend some more time with him. as we were walking, it drizzled a little, and we shared under his umbrella. and then we had to say goodbye again. i was glad he was asking questions about my religion. it makes me feel as if he was really interested.

i could really see my future with him. although i am still scared with deepening my thoughts about it, because i am protecting myself. i dont want to get hurt too deeply.. i guess i will have to trust him more, and trust my gut more..

i am worried by the fact that dad doesnt have much idea about us yet. my mom and sister already has some vague idea. i dont want them to get in the way because they dont like him for some reason. i guess i am too blinded because i couldnt see any. but they will. and i hate it. i just hope when the time comes, they will accept him, because i really like this person. they have no idea what we are going through at this point.

as always, it is his small gestures that really makes me like him more. he really knows how to make me feel really special. i am so absorbed..

two years isn't that long a wait

time together after he arrived from everywhere (he was all over the place). anyway, i was really happy to see him again. happy to see a familiar face, smell that familiar scent. happy to feel his warmth. just being with him makes me want to smile nonstop.

anyway, we went to sm north, to annex, back to main then to trinoma where we ate at BK. pictures in my multiply. and again, we talked about things..

*sigh*
here's the thing. he is 98% sure that he will convert. what hinders him? its actually a who. its his mother. and i understand it,really. in fact, i am grateful because he has so much respect for his mother. so in that condition, we have to wait for two years (that is, after he graduates from college). two years.. i cant say.. he is right, things could happen in those two years. he only considers my opportunities. i might find someone new (which i doubt).. i might not leave him even if i desperately want to (in that improbable future date) out of guilt. it is reasonable, but avoidable (and quite impossible) *fingers crossed*

in my defense, i doubt that even if there are temptations abound, i will still stick with him. why? because i couldve chosen another person to fall for but i chose him. because we are both serious with what we want. it is scary to assume at this point, but these are possibilities. why did i choose him over the others? because he is matured, he knows what he wants. we have things in common. i like spending time with him (which i hope i dont outgrow).. i can feel that his intentions are pure and he really loves me.

he mentioned something about the future. indeed, it is very possible. and i do sometimes think of it myself. although it is still quite early to assume. i dont know. if a man wants to secure himself with the woman he loves, what else could that woman ask for?

we can build our dreams together. so what is two years compared to an eternity?

four thoughts

i am expecting this will be a long blog entry. we'll see..

number1: we havent been talking to each other for quite some time already. although i didnt mind it that much. it means we'll have a lot to talk about when we see each other again. besides, we update each other when we have to. it is enough, i think..

i really want to see him soon. i hope tomorrow.

number 2: PNK

i don't mind the new responsibility. but everytime i think about it, this thought always comes in mind: never the big boss, always the second in command. i dont want to think that way, but it is quite true. i dont know if i truly deserve the position. we are in this stage when people are not quite active. are the skills i learned in Gabay applicable here? i cant tell. but at least now, i am certain that God will not forsake me here.

number 3: dad

this frustrates me, really. i guess this is just a test of patience for me again. i love my family deeply. but i dont know how far that love can take me.

this is what happened. dad is pissed with me. i am pissed with him as well, and i dont know why. my mom's theory is that, dad cant take out his anger to anyone at home anymore so he's just taking it out on me. unfair i know. its just, sad on my part

we'll see in the years to come what will happen..

the future is certainly a scary thing. but with a ready heart, and a determined mind, nothing is too scary to overcome.

number 4: i cant bear this anymore. i really need to talk to him to clear things out. i am quite torn on how i would open it to him. option 1: be mean, option 2: be subtle and sensitive. i am opting for option 2. however, i dont know when i could talk to him. i wont be seeing him for quite sometime (which is a relief!) but i want to get this over with soon.

honestly, i pity the guy. he is so ickingly devoted. however, all his efforts don't work for me for one simple reason. i just dont like him the way he likes me. i can be really stubborn at times.

so there, i will try to be nice. and i really hope he leaves me alone for good.

i am planning to return everything he has given me. its such a shame. gawd. i am mean.

this post is not so long after all