talking resolves things

hmm.. today was a happy day, we were able to discuss a few important things.

it was quite a light day for me. thanks to the amf131 free cut. during our free time together, we bonded again in the roofdeck where it was insanely cold.

we were lucky to have chairs there so we were able to sit on somewhere. we were quite fearing of getting caught by some guards although we werent doing anything wrong. the fact that we were staying there when we're not supposed to, is well, unreasonable...

anyway, i told him i loved leaning on his shoulder. i really feel secured when i do so. although it feels awkward because my face becomes too close to him. its as if i was tempting him to do something that he fears i might be angry about..

another thing, we also agreed to lessen pda (if that's how you would call it since its not really that). its for our own good, i guess.. and he just wants to protect me..

we had another long tight hug before we left leong roofdeck. it felt like ages since we were able to do that, and it felt really nice and comforting.. i also felt his respect for me.. and for his self, i guess.. it is nice.

regarding the kiss thing, i told him, i wanted each to be special (although he argues that every day is special. really now. haha) so as not to lose the meaning. i guess that clears things up..Ü

one sad thing though... i wont be around on his birthday on the 24th.. that is, if our immersion sched will push through on the 23rd-25th.. i dont want to be selfish and prevent my groupmates to have an out-of-town immersion. so there, i had to be away. possibly without permission to use my phone.. i just have to make it up to him. when i told him about it, he wouldnt admit that it would be sad for him.. he was just trying to be understanding, as always.. but it would be really sad..

i just noticed while im writing all these down, my mind seem so fragmented.. nothing seemed coherent.. and everything sounded absurd.. i cant find the proper words to describe how im feeling. its unusual..

btw, it is our 2nd "monthsary" tomorrow. i dont know if he has plans, or if he even remembered.. im still fighting the urge to mention it to him. i dont know what to do. my plans for tomorrow are already hindered by my late execution.. so i guess, we have to do with what is available, which i have no idea what our options are.

on other things, i might be able to get full scholarship again for my fifth year. yey!Ü

whatever happens, he's there for me

my weekend was stressful. i have never been in this much stress in weeks. i have been handling myself properly until yesterday when i broke down. it rarely happens. and when it does, well, it is heartbreaking to see me cry that much because i rarely cry these days. i just came to that point when i cant handle things anymore.

anyway, that is another thing of the past. seriously, at this point of time, i seem to have no regard over things that are rational. its as if i am acting on mere whim. whatever my heart feels like doing i do so, without thinking twice if its right or wrong.

anyway, i feel so alone here at home. as if everybody's ganging up on me to make my life really miserable. that's the reason why i broke down. but despite that, i am happy to have someone who would back me up. someone who would continue to inspire me. to set things straight for me. someone to cheer me up, to assure me that things will really get better in the long run. someone who strengthens me and reminds me of my abilities.

although we still have a lot of things left undiscussed, i hope we could find time to discuss all these. for now, i am happy that we are together supporting each other. time is really a scarce commodity these days..

he did something before we went home. i kinda hinted what it was but i was in my un-thinking mode. how it felt? well, it kinda felt nice, but funny, i dont know how to describe it. i guess he was still really hesitant about it. for me however, it is still not an issue. i want to take things slow. i just dont want him to be influenced by his peers. unless he really thinks that it is necessary, then i guess, we have to talk things over...

i love being around him, its like an addiction i have little control over. the weather's really cold around here and having his arms around me warms me up. his smell is like an assuring scent that things will be ok no matter what.

its been a while

i really resisted the temptation of updating here because of my stressful academic week. but now that i am temporarily free, its time to be ultimately cheesy and well, kinda problematic..

well, first of all, it was a rather disappointing comeback week for us. for one, we've been so busy. its like, the moment we went back to school meant that we dont have much time to spend together. it is frustrating. and in the short times that we are together, we dont seem to spend quality time. what is quality time to me anyway?

another thing, i really want to discuss some serious stuff about us, but i dont want to add to the things that really stress him out for the moment. he is handling two upcoming projects, plus his acad load is not really that light. plus, the pressure of elections (i dont even know if that's bothering him). on the other hand, i have my fair share of troubles myself. i dont want to get straight Ds in all my majors. i am so frustrated with myself as if i havent done anything right the moment 2nd sem started so now im suffering. crap.

so there, i really miss hanging out with him. and really enjoying and relaxing. but i suppose those things will have to wait.

one thing that really bothers me now is our intimacy. are we PDA-ing? i cant tell. but i really miss those bonding times. i wonder if he feels the same way.

another thing, i seem a bit insecure lately. what is wrong with me? with him? with us?

crap. i hate being melodramatic.

good and bad times

today is a weird day.. first day of classes after the christmas break..

it is weird for a number of reasons. one, i am slightly productive. i was able to do most of the things in my to-do list so im happy about it (that includes going to divi on my own early in the morning and experience the morning train rush, talk to people i need to talk to, return the things i borrowed, study a bit for my upcoming report, and organize and plan stuff). two, i was still able to spend time with him despite my (our) busy schedules.. lunch was as always, spent together.. but i had to cut short our bonding afterwards because i need to balance my time. so i was really suprised to see him in RSF when they were a given a free cut in his lab. i was on the verge of giving up on reading the article i was researching on for my report, but when i saw him, my face suddenly lit up (yeah, i really felt it) and i found myself smiling silly (which happens to me most of the time, i noticed these past few days). anyway, i tried not to distract myself as we both did what we were supposed to do.. but when boredom got the better of us, we went out to catch some fresh air (and food stubs too, hehe)

i was a little bothered earlier because of his unusual silence. well, i already observed he's talkative than me most of the time (who would've thought? haha) but today, he just seemed quiet. so i thought something's wrong.. he was just bothered with all the things that need to be done.. i just hope that after all these things are over, we can still enjoy each other's company.

before my class, i had some time for a quick girl-bonding with felo. its been a while since i talked to her. and it was nice sharing things to her. how happy i am, how i manage to shrug off all the stress because i have my perfect stress-buster these days (imagine, just a single mundane thought about him makes me smile..) i am just happy to share these times with him, specially when things go bad.. and this was over some walking time and coffee from mcCafe. (the place looks really good, btw. and it was jam packed!)

ok, after my eco class, he was still there. i wasnt totally expecting him to wait for me for my class and meeting to finish since it would already be late and his class ended so early. although at the back of my mind, i know he'll be waiting for me because he simply wanted to. and he did.. so after our meeting, JJ and I had our sundo waiting for us, a few tables away as we wrapped up our meeting.

it was really chilly on our way home. it was just sad since danielle didnt come with us. probably hated being the third wheel. anyway, we dont mind third wheels that much anyway.. so it was time alone again.. he noticed how silly my face gets when i smile to widely. you cant blame me. i dont want to hide how im feeling.. i guess it just shows too much.. he lent me his jacket because i was feeling really cold then. it was really sweet of him..Ü

anyway, for the bad time.. he wasnt feeling so sure of himself. and i cant blame him. this time happens often to people. you just need someone to assure you that you are not worthless and you are important. and that is how exactly i feel about him.. although i told him as sincerely as i could, it still depends on him if he will believe it. then, i felt kinda bad because i felt helpless.. i had no idea what to do to make him feel better.. i want to spend more time with him to talk things over if he needs it, but i had to be home because it was already getting late..

silence as we were walking. i guess, both of us were thinking. and its difficult to share your thoughts specially when they are too scattered and vague that they seem too pointless.. i wanted to tell him how significant his role is in my life now. and i was feeling embarassed to tell him upfront although i know it would mean more if i did. i guess i didnt have that much guts. anyway, i decided i would text him later once i found the words..

after i ate dinner, i decided to tell him what i really wanted to tell him, but i received his message first which melted my heart. i wasnt helpless earlier. and it felt good that he feels somehow the same way i do.

so there, i let go of the troubles i had in mind.. i didnt have to worry about us because we talk things over.. we share times of depression and happiness..

one thing i also liked about us is that he constantly irritates me jokingly so i reserve my right to be mataray. its fun.Ü

*i wasnt able to give him enough credit for being so mature at this particular moment. but i really admire him for that. he was able to sort through his own issues and i was just there to give him the right push.. i was happy about it.*