mixed emotions

i am feeling anxious now. i know i dont have to, but i cant help myself. its as if things are turned upside down at this point.

i have so many points of reflection for today. any simple thing strikes me to realize something. and it is an overload for me.. too many realizations in one day makes me forget most of them. it seems like a waste..

at this point, i dont feel to inspired to write anything worth of reading material. right now, i am just feeling anxious that things dont seem to be in their right places. i have to study, but just like writing now, i dont feel inspired. i need to feel pressured to start studying for my subjects. plus i need to do a lot of things too.. its frustrating..

i'll just eat this out..

anyway, i remembered what happened earlier today.. my amf131 classroom is just beside his ma101 classroom. before he went to class, he passed by my room to talk to me.. although it was purely business, it was nice to see him early in the morning to freshen up my mind and remove the cobwebs that appeared there so early after my first math class. anyway, after lunch, i noticed that we were wearing matching clothes. it looked funny..black jeans and blue shirt. haha.. i wasnt even planning to wear those pants but i changed my mind last minute this morning. well it happens sometimes these days...

he accompanied me when i went up to kuya alec to copy Yiruma tracks. then i asked him if he would walk me to class.. compromise, since i didnt want him to be late for his class, i settled for the stairs near my room. we walked hand in hand as we trudged along the brick walk, debating why we were holding hands while walking. i won the argument! haha.. well, it was a nice feeling walking with him. i can really feel his warmth, and its absence, well, made me feel alone..

there, i need to get back to my books now, else, i'll be getting straight Ds in all my exams.

good and bad times

today is a weird day.. first day of classes after the christmas break..

it is weird for a number of reasons. one, i am slightly productive. i was able to do most of the things in my to-do list so im happy about it (that includes going to divi on my own early in the morning and experience the morning train rush, talk to people i need to talk to, return the things i borrowed, study a bit for my upcoming report, and organize and plan stuff). two, i was still able to spend time with him despite my (our) busy schedules.. lunch was as always, spent together.. but i had to cut short our bonding afterwards because i need to balance my time. so i was really suprised to see him in RSF when they were a given a free cut in his lab. i was on the verge of giving up on reading the article i was researching on for my report, but when i saw him, my face suddenly lit up (yeah, i really felt it) and i found myself smiling silly (which happens to me most of the time, i noticed these past few days). anyway, i tried not to distract myself as we both did what we were supposed to do.. but when boredom got the better of us, we went out to catch some fresh air (and food stubs too, hehe)

i was a little bothered earlier because of his unusual silence. well, i already observed he's talkative than me most of the time (who would've thought? haha) but today, he just seemed quiet. so i thought something's wrong.. he was just bothered with all the things that need to be done.. i just hope that after all these things are over, we can still enjoy each other's company.

before my class, i had some time for a quick girl-bonding with felo. its been a while since i talked to her. and it was nice sharing things to her. how happy i am, how i manage to shrug off all the stress because i have my perfect stress-buster these days (imagine, just a single mundane thought about him makes me smile..) i am just happy to share these times with him, specially when things go bad.. and this was over some walking time and coffee from mcCafe. (the place looks really good, btw. and it was jam packed!)

ok, after my eco class, he was still there. i wasnt totally expecting him to wait for me for my class and meeting to finish since it would already be late and his class ended so early. although at the back of my mind, i know he'll be waiting for me because he simply wanted to. and he did.. so after our meeting, JJ and I had our sundo waiting for us, a few tables away as we wrapped up our meeting.

it was really chilly on our way home. it was just sad since danielle didnt come with us. probably hated being the third wheel. anyway, we dont mind third wheels that much anyway.. so it was time alone again.. he noticed how silly my face gets when i smile to widely. you cant blame me. i dont want to hide how im feeling.. i guess it just shows too much.. he lent me his jacket because i was feeling really cold then. it was really sweet of him..Ü

anyway, for the bad time.. he wasnt feeling so sure of himself. and i cant blame him. this time happens often to people. you just need someone to assure you that you are not worthless and you are important. and that is how exactly i feel about him.. although i told him as sincerely as i could, it still depends on him if he will believe it. then, i felt kinda bad because i felt helpless.. i had no idea what to do to make him feel better.. i want to spend more time with him to talk things over if he needs it, but i had to be home because it was already getting late..

silence as we were walking. i guess, both of us were thinking. and its difficult to share your thoughts specially when they are too scattered and vague that they seem too pointless.. i wanted to tell him how significant his role is in my life now. and i was feeling embarassed to tell him upfront although i know it would mean more if i did. i guess i didnt have that much guts. anyway, i decided i would text him later once i found the words..

after i ate dinner, i decided to tell him what i really wanted to tell him, but i received his message first which melted my heart. i wasnt helpless earlier. and it felt good that he feels somehow the same way i do.

so there, i let go of the troubles i had in mind.. i didnt have to worry about us because we talk things over.. we share times of depression and happiness..

one thing i also liked about us is that he constantly irritates me jokingly so i reserve my right to be mataray. its fun.Ü

*i wasnt able to give him enough credit for being so mature at this particular moment. but i really admire him for that. he was able to sort through his own issues and i was just there to give him the right push.. i was happy about it.*

thinking thoughts

hmmm... it is starting to dawn on me.. depressing thoughts.. after the many elating days, its gone.. we're apart now.

come to think of it..im not the kind who is soo dependent on my partner. fine i miss him,but not to the point that i dont feel like doing anything because he's not with me. or just wishing he's with me wherever i am. as if i can't stand on my own two feet. its not me. i feel alienated...

sometimes i think, he really handles things more maturely than i do. and its weird. am i really on this stage of life where everythings gets turned inside out. from the organize freak to the happy-go-lucky. from the strong and independent to the needy and immature. what has happened to me? can falling make me change this much?

but come to think of it, time apart means time for myself. time to find myself again. some soul-searching.. right. i need to use this time wisely because come january, i dont want to be alienated again...


ok so back to the happy and kilig updates..

we had our supposed last day together last friday.. as promised, we again stayed in bel field, him ditching the caroling night which made me feel really guilty but he promised he'll explain to the caroling people. we ate the food we brought. green mangoes as promised.. although we didnt buy any bel field food as we intended to. and then we watched the stars, and the lights until they were turned off. and hugged, and hugged some more.. sigh.. record of having the longest, sweetest, weirdest hug ever. he gave me a gift. a monkey i'll be naming after him. i demanded him to spray his cologne on the monkey so i can still smell him all the time (although i miss terribly his old smell). and i'll be putting him beside me as i go to sleep...Ü

first time we held hands. his hands are so big. and very warm, too.

then, come sunday, i wasnt so sure if he could come. but he did. and mom saw us together and thought something's up. i knew it. mothers can really feel what's going on with their daughters. oh well...

then that was it. that was the last time we'll be seeing each other until God knows when. it saddens me. i miss him terribly right now. but i have to be strong. on my own. i dont have to depend on him all the time..