sabi ko na nga ba...

hindi ko matitiis na hindi magpost..

marami akong random thoughts na naiisip. although maganda naman sana kasing i-share yun via plurk, minsan, tinatamad na lang talaga ako..

una, hindi ko talaga alam kung magffifth year pa ako..

pros:
sayang ang opportunity, may scholarship na ko e.
mas mataas na sweldo after grad
hindi pa ako prepared magtrabaho
ayoko pa umalis ng ateneo
gusto ko na magkaroon ng masters degree
eto naman talaga yung original plan ko e.
willing pa naman ang mga magulang ko na pag-aralin ako for one more year.

cons:
tinatamad na talaga ako. saka nanghihinayang ako kasi parang tanga na talaga ako e.
wala na akong naiintindihan sa mga majors ko, tapos itutuloy ko pa rin for another year?
downward sloping ang grades ko since 3rd year. grabe, ano nalang ang matitira sakin next year
medyo parang ginugusto ko na rin magtrabaho
madedelay pa ang aking freedom.


ewan ko talaga. hindi ako makapag-rationalize kung anong gagawin ko sa buhay ko. para na naman akong nagpapatangay na lang sa agos ng buhay.

hmm.. marami pa akong gustong isulat tulad ng nangyari sa immersion ko. tapos yung dilemma ko about friendship..

eto, isa namang bagay na nagpapasaya sa akin ngayon ang aking relasyon kay boss. basta masaya ako samin. ayoko mang maging sobrang forward-looking, pero may potensyal talaga na baka siya na nga. haay.. tama na nga to. gusto kong maayos na ang buhay namin..

excited na ang nanay niya na ma-meet ako. natatakot ako. siguro meron na akong ganung phobia sa mga nanay. haha. pero siyempre, we'll see kung anong mangyayari sa april 7 (or sooner, bahala na.)

nagpunta kaming riverbanks kanina out of mere whim. waley talaga. nakakain na rin ako sa wakas sa ice cream house at umubos kami ng isang pint ng cherry go round. hahah. pareho kaming hindi mahilig sa cherry ice cream pero nag-enjoy na rin kaming magpatayan sa buong cherries. hahah. tapos arcade. wala lang talaga ako sa mood maglaro kanina. at umupo muli sa damuhan sa riverbanks. haaayyy.. tapos siomai house. karen, anong diet ang pinagsasabi mo? tugsh.

hmmm.. masaya na rin ako sa buhay ko. pero tulad nga ng sabi niya, merong mga aspect ng buhay ng tao na hindi pa rin defined kaya nakapagpapabawas sa sayang nararamdaman mo. oh well.

ayun, hindi ako stressed. pagod lang. at maraming pang kailangang gawin. may theory ako na hindi naman natural na stressed ang tao. meron tayong mga stress drivers at para maiwasan yung stress, kailangan maiwasan ang mga stress drivers na yun. narealize ko na ang main stress driver ko ay ang dami ng dapat kong gawin. pero kahit ganun, gusto ko pa rin. may pagka-masokista nga siguro ako.

awat na. marami pa talagang kailangang gawin.

2 months

i thought he forgot. he didn't but he just didnt bring it up. its not that its not important. its just that, there are other more important things (i forgot what he really said about this, but i understand anyway)..

we still made this day special despite our frustrations. we really have a liking for fields. it was nice to see stars in the sky, and it was really cold. he is still sweet as always. i feel secure and happy and satisfied. although it meant risking getting home later than my expected time. i felt safe anyway because i know he's with me..

it just struck me that knowing that i have someone really special in my life now, it also worries me that i might lose him again. being both forward-looking, two months seemed to just fly by past us. but for me, i savored every moment of it. recalling all the thoughts that crossed my mind, every little significant thing that happened. maybe i am immersing myself too much into it. but this makes me happy, and quite irrational at times. but still, i trust him and myself that we can get past into any hardships. i am just hoping for the best now..

whatever happens, he's there for me

my weekend was stressful. i have never been in this much stress in weeks. i have been handling myself properly until yesterday when i broke down. it rarely happens. and when it does, well, it is heartbreaking to see me cry that much because i rarely cry these days. i just came to that point when i cant handle things anymore.

anyway, that is another thing of the past. seriously, at this point of time, i seem to have no regard over things that are rational. its as if i am acting on mere whim. whatever my heart feels like doing i do so, without thinking twice if its right or wrong.

anyway, i feel so alone here at home. as if everybody's ganging up on me to make my life really miserable. that's the reason why i broke down. but despite that, i am happy to have someone who would back me up. someone who would continue to inspire me. to set things straight for me. someone to cheer me up, to assure me that things will really get better in the long run. someone who strengthens me and reminds me of my abilities.

although we still have a lot of things left undiscussed, i hope we could find time to discuss all these. for now, i am happy that we are together supporting each other. time is really a scarce commodity these days..

he did something before we went home. i kinda hinted what it was but i was in my un-thinking mode. how it felt? well, it kinda felt nice, but funny, i dont know how to describe it. i guess he was still really hesitant about it. for me however, it is still not an issue. i want to take things slow. i just dont want him to be influenced by his peers. unless he really thinks that it is necessary, then i guess, we have to talk things over...

i love being around him, its like an addiction i have little control over. the weather's really cold around here and having his arms around me warms me up. his smell is like an assuring scent that things will be ok no matter what.

good and bad times

today is a weird day.. first day of classes after the christmas break..

it is weird for a number of reasons. one, i am slightly productive. i was able to do most of the things in my to-do list so im happy about it (that includes going to divi on my own early in the morning and experience the morning train rush, talk to people i need to talk to, return the things i borrowed, study a bit for my upcoming report, and organize and plan stuff). two, i was still able to spend time with him despite my (our) busy schedules.. lunch was as always, spent together.. but i had to cut short our bonding afterwards because i need to balance my time. so i was really suprised to see him in RSF when they were a given a free cut in his lab. i was on the verge of giving up on reading the article i was researching on for my report, but when i saw him, my face suddenly lit up (yeah, i really felt it) and i found myself smiling silly (which happens to me most of the time, i noticed these past few days). anyway, i tried not to distract myself as we both did what we were supposed to do.. but when boredom got the better of us, we went out to catch some fresh air (and food stubs too, hehe)

i was a little bothered earlier because of his unusual silence. well, i already observed he's talkative than me most of the time (who would've thought? haha) but today, he just seemed quiet. so i thought something's wrong.. he was just bothered with all the things that need to be done.. i just hope that after all these things are over, we can still enjoy each other's company.

before my class, i had some time for a quick girl-bonding with felo. its been a while since i talked to her. and it was nice sharing things to her. how happy i am, how i manage to shrug off all the stress because i have my perfect stress-buster these days (imagine, just a single mundane thought about him makes me smile..) i am just happy to share these times with him, specially when things go bad.. and this was over some walking time and coffee from mcCafe. (the place looks really good, btw. and it was jam packed!)

ok, after my eco class, he was still there. i wasnt totally expecting him to wait for me for my class and meeting to finish since it would already be late and his class ended so early. although at the back of my mind, i know he'll be waiting for me because he simply wanted to. and he did.. so after our meeting, JJ and I had our sundo waiting for us, a few tables away as we wrapped up our meeting.

it was really chilly on our way home. it was just sad since danielle didnt come with us. probably hated being the third wheel. anyway, we dont mind third wheels that much anyway.. so it was time alone again.. he noticed how silly my face gets when i smile to widely. you cant blame me. i dont want to hide how im feeling.. i guess it just shows too much.. he lent me his jacket because i was feeling really cold then. it was really sweet of him..Ü

anyway, for the bad time.. he wasnt feeling so sure of himself. and i cant blame him. this time happens often to people. you just need someone to assure you that you are not worthless and you are important. and that is how exactly i feel about him.. although i told him as sincerely as i could, it still depends on him if he will believe it. then, i felt kinda bad because i felt helpless.. i had no idea what to do to make him feel better.. i want to spend more time with him to talk things over if he needs it, but i had to be home because it was already getting late..

silence as we were walking. i guess, both of us were thinking. and its difficult to share your thoughts specially when they are too scattered and vague that they seem too pointless.. i wanted to tell him how significant his role is in my life now. and i was feeling embarassed to tell him upfront although i know it would mean more if i did. i guess i didnt have that much guts. anyway, i decided i would text him later once i found the words..

after i ate dinner, i decided to tell him what i really wanted to tell him, but i received his message first which melted my heart. i wasnt helpless earlier. and it felt good that he feels somehow the same way i do.

so there, i let go of the troubles i had in mind.. i didnt have to worry about us because we talk things over.. we share times of depression and happiness..

one thing i also liked about us is that he constantly irritates me jokingly so i reserve my right to be mataray. its fun.Ü

*i wasnt able to give him enough credit for being so mature at this particular moment. but i really admire him for that. he was able to sort through his own issues and i was just there to give him the right push.. i was happy about it.*

updates..

hmm.. i haven't been blogging about him for quite some time so its time again to become disgustingly cheesy, hehehh

so yesterday was new year's eve. i was not really in the mood to celebrate.. it was a peaceful welcome to the new year. and its ok with me. i find happiness in silence..

anyway, we've been texting for some time, and he asked me if we could talk over the phone. we couldnt at first because dad forced us to call tita liz first. after talking to tita liz, and when my parents have settled in their room, i called him up. i guess we talked for almost an hour. i wonder if he actually understood what i was saying then since my voice was so muffled. i couldnt talk that much since people at home were already sleeping. i didnt want dad to catch me talking with him...

anyway, i slept afterwards.. he told me that his blanket smelled like me. haha.. i guess he's so used to how i smell.. i now wonder if i would be changing from cologne to perfume or would i be sticking to my old smell.. we'll see..

i asked him what was one thing that i could do that would hurt him immensely. he told me, the things that hurt him in the past. like betraying him for someone else and hiding things from him. i on the other hand told him that i would hate him if he we wouldnt talk things over and explain why we did things, specially the bad ones. the point is, not wanting to explain means not wanting the other person to understand which will lead to confusion. i dont want to be left confused. it is a really frustrating feeling.

i am still so crazy about him.. sometimes, i think i am already overly swooning over him. which is sickeningly sweet and could be irritating at times. good thing, he can still tolerate me..

we went to church together on the 1st. i thought he wasnt coming because it was already 625 and i told him to drop by at 620. turns out, he just couldnt text me, and he was there already there by 6. anyway, it was nice to see him again, as always. he complimented my dress. he gave me some fruit salad her mother made. he told his mother he was going out on a date. sort of. we took the longer way home, because i wanted to spend some more time with him. as we were walking, it drizzled a little, and we shared under his umbrella. and then we had to say goodbye again. i was glad he was asking questions about my religion. it makes me feel as if he was really interested.

i could really see my future with him. although i am still scared with deepening my thoughts about it, because i am protecting myself. i dont want to get hurt too deeply.. i guess i will have to trust him more, and trust my gut more..

i am worried by the fact that dad doesnt have much idea about us yet. my mom and sister already has some vague idea. i dont want them to get in the way because they dont like him for some reason. i guess i am too blinded because i couldnt see any. but they will. and i hate it. i just hope when the time comes, they will accept him, because i really like this person. they have no idea what we are going through at this point.

as always, it is his small gestures that really makes me like him more. he really knows how to make me feel really special. i am so absorbed..