2 months

i thought he forgot. he didn't but he just didnt bring it up. its not that its not important. its just that, there are other more important things (i forgot what he really said about this, but i understand anyway)..

we still made this day special despite our frustrations. we really have a liking for fields. it was nice to see stars in the sky, and it was really cold. he is still sweet as always. i feel secure and happy and satisfied. although it meant risking getting home later than my expected time. i felt safe anyway because i know he's with me..

it just struck me that knowing that i have someone really special in my life now, it also worries me that i might lose him again. being both forward-looking, two months seemed to just fly by past us. but for me, i savored every moment of it. recalling all the thoughts that crossed my mind, every little significant thing that happened. maybe i am immersing myself too much into it. but this makes me happy, and quite irrational at times. but still, i trust him and myself that we can get past into any hardships. i am just hoping for the best now..

whatever happens, he's there for me

my weekend was stressful. i have never been in this much stress in weeks. i have been handling myself properly until yesterday when i broke down. it rarely happens. and when it does, well, it is heartbreaking to see me cry that much because i rarely cry these days. i just came to that point when i cant handle things anymore.

anyway, that is another thing of the past. seriously, at this point of time, i seem to have no regard over things that are rational. its as if i am acting on mere whim. whatever my heart feels like doing i do so, without thinking twice if its right or wrong.

anyway, i feel so alone here at home. as if everybody's ganging up on me to make my life really miserable. that's the reason why i broke down. but despite that, i am happy to have someone who would back me up. someone who would continue to inspire me. to set things straight for me. someone to cheer me up, to assure me that things will really get better in the long run. someone who strengthens me and reminds me of my abilities.

although we still have a lot of things left undiscussed, i hope we could find time to discuss all these. for now, i am happy that we are together supporting each other. time is really a scarce commodity these days..

he did something before we went home. i kinda hinted what it was but i was in my un-thinking mode. how it felt? well, it kinda felt nice, but funny, i dont know how to describe it. i guess he was still really hesitant about it. for me however, it is still not an issue. i want to take things slow. i just dont want him to be influenced by his peers. unless he really thinks that it is necessary, then i guess, we have to talk things over...

i love being around him, its like an addiction i have little control over. the weather's really cold around here and having his arms around me warms me up. his smell is like an assuring scent that things will be ok no matter what.

four thoughts

i am expecting this will be a long blog entry. we'll see..

number1: we havent been talking to each other for quite some time already. although i didnt mind it that much. it means we'll have a lot to talk about when we see each other again. besides, we update each other when we have to. it is enough, i think..

i really want to see him soon. i hope tomorrow.

number 2: PNK

i don't mind the new responsibility. but everytime i think about it, this thought always comes in mind: never the big boss, always the second in command. i dont want to think that way, but it is quite true. i dont know if i truly deserve the position. we are in this stage when people are not quite active. are the skills i learned in Gabay applicable here? i cant tell. but at least now, i am certain that God will not forsake me here.

number 3: dad

this frustrates me, really. i guess this is just a test of patience for me again. i love my family deeply. but i dont know how far that love can take me.

this is what happened. dad is pissed with me. i am pissed with him as well, and i dont know why. my mom's theory is that, dad cant take out his anger to anyone at home anymore so he's just taking it out on me. unfair i know. its just, sad on my part

we'll see in the years to come what will happen..

the future is certainly a scary thing. but with a ready heart, and a determined mind, nothing is too scary to overcome.

number 4: i cant bear this anymore. i really need to talk to him to clear things out. i am quite torn on how i would open it to him. option 1: be mean, option 2: be subtle and sensitive. i am opting for option 2. however, i dont know when i could talk to him. i wont be seeing him for quite sometime (which is a relief!) but i want to get this over with soon.

honestly, i pity the guy. he is so ickingly devoted. however, all his efforts don't work for me for one simple reason. i just dont like him the way he likes me. i can be really stubborn at times.

so there, i will try to be nice. and i really hope he leaves me alone for good.

i am planning to return everything he has given me. its such a shame. gawd. i am mean.

this post is not so long after all

im slowly finding myself

i am becoming more accustomed to my situation now. although at times, i worry when i am not talking to him. but absence make the heart go fonder. passe. and i hope true. if i talk to him all the time, we will have nothing to talk about when we see each other again (which i hope is soon)

so there.. since i have permitted other things to preoccupy my mind, things really did enter it. so now, my focus is being challenged again. i dont want to be scattered and fragmented. (waley). anyway.. there are a lot of things i need to think about again. it is really scary.

the thing is, i don't mind being second in command. i am about to forgo my position in my org and i think i can handle it (really makes me wonder if i really am a born leader. what is [wrong] with me?) i will have time to dedicate (i hope). but but. being second in command to who. that is the issue here. i just dont want to be a mere assistant. i have a head of my own. i may seem very submissive about a certain system. but i dont want to stay that way.

there. i also realized that i actually have dreams. its just that they are not as concrete or tangible as others'. but i have my direction.

i saw mom's shirt today. with a 1998 print. it means that shirt already exists for ten years. that much time has passed already. time really flies. so why would i worry about what will happen in two years. five years. time will just fly by anyway. i just have to cherish every moment of it.