2 months

i thought he forgot. he didn't but he just didnt bring it up. its not that its not important. its just that, there are other more important things (i forgot what he really said about this, but i understand anyway)..

we still made this day special despite our frustrations. we really have a liking for fields. it was nice to see stars in the sky, and it was really cold. he is still sweet as always. i feel secure and happy and satisfied. although it meant risking getting home later than my expected time. i felt safe anyway because i know he's with me..

it just struck me that knowing that i have someone really special in my life now, it also worries me that i might lose him again. being both forward-looking, two months seemed to just fly by past us. but for me, i savored every moment of it. recalling all the thoughts that crossed my mind, every little significant thing that happened. maybe i am immersing myself too much into it. but this makes me happy, and quite irrational at times. but still, i trust him and myself that we can get past into any hardships. i am just hoping for the best now..

two years isn't that long a wait

time together after he arrived from everywhere (he was all over the place). anyway, i was really happy to see him again. happy to see a familiar face, smell that familiar scent. happy to feel his warmth. just being with him makes me want to smile nonstop.

anyway, we went to sm north, to annex, back to main then to trinoma where we ate at BK. pictures in my multiply. and again, we talked about things..

*sigh*
here's the thing. he is 98% sure that he will convert. what hinders him? its actually a who. its his mother. and i understand it,really. in fact, i am grateful because he has so much respect for his mother. so in that condition, we have to wait for two years (that is, after he graduates from college). two years.. i cant say.. he is right, things could happen in those two years. he only considers my opportunities. i might find someone new (which i doubt).. i might not leave him even if i desperately want to (in that improbable future date) out of guilt. it is reasonable, but avoidable (and quite impossible) *fingers crossed*

in my defense, i doubt that even if there are temptations abound, i will still stick with him. why? because i couldve chosen another person to fall for but i chose him. because we are both serious with what we want. it is scary to assume at this point, but these are possibilities. why did i choose him over the others? because he is matured, he knows what he wants. we have things in common. i like spending time with him (which i hope i dont outgrow).. i can feel that his intentions are pure and he really loves me.

he mentioned something about the future. indeed, it is very possible. and i do sometimes think of it myself. although it is still quite early to assume. i dont know. if a man wants to secure himself with the woman he loves, what else could that woman ask for?

we can build our dreams together. so what is two years compared to an eternity?

im slowly finding myself

i am becoming more accustomed to my situation now. although at times, i worry when i am not talking to him. but absence make the heart go fonder. passe. and i hope true. if i talk to him all the time, we will have nothing to talk about when we see each other again (which i hope is soon)

so there.. since i have permitted other things to preoccupy my mind, things really did enter it. so now, my focus is being challenged again. i dont want to be scattered and fragmented. (waley). anyway.. there are a lot of things i need to think about again. it is really scary.

the thing is, i don't mind being second in command. i am about to forgo my position in my org and i think i can handle it (really makes me wonder if i really am a born leader. what is [wrong] with me?) i will have time to dedicate (i hope). but but. being second in command to who. that is the issue here. i just dont want to be a mere assistant. i have a head of my own. i may seem very submissive about a certain system. but i dont want to stay that way.

there. i also realized that i actually have dreams. its just that they are not as concrete or tangible as others'. but i have my direction.

i saw mom's shirt today. with a 1998 print. it means that shirt already exists for ten years. that much time has passed already. time really flies. so why would i worry about what will happen in two years. five years. time will just fly by anyway. i just have to cherish every moment of it.