what do i really want?

i have another problem in life (well i guess the only time I blog here is when I have a crisis. sorry blog). oh well, its not that i have at least one reader anyway so who cares?

why is it so difficult for me to figure out what i want? i hate the fact that i'm always changing my mind depending on how he acts. so un-me. or maybe, i've always been like that all along.

i am so clueless right now. i hate it. even though i actually want to take actions in my own hands, i have to fight the urge to do so because i want things differently. i dont want to be the one steering things in a relationship. can i actually have it this time?

maybe i can never really rely on him to do it. I'll just let God do it in His own time. I trust Him with all my heart. I know how uncertain things are for me right now. In so many aspects in my life and its scary, uncomfortable and disconcerting for me in so many levels. Unfortunately, I can't do anything about it.

Fine, its actually one thing which I could actually act upon. But then I still refuse to do so. something is totally wrong with me

ive written about a lot already but i still havent answered my question. what do i really want?

i want to know what's going on between us
how does he really feels towards me?
why doesn't he text me as regularly as before?
who is he really?
i want to know so much about him and i dunno how i can get those information
we don't really hang out often and when we do, we don't really talk a lot
why am i in this messed up situation?
will this actually get better? or worse?
is he happy when he's with me?

i want these questions to be answered. i want to know what's going on and it stresses me out that i can't. or i refuse to find out.

being a girl sucks big time