2 months

i thought he forgot. he didn't but he just didnt bring it up. its not that its not important. its just that, there are other more important things (i forgot what he really said about this, but i understand anyway)..

we still made this day special despite our frustrations. we really have a liking for fields. it was nice to see stars in the sky, and it was really cold. he is still sweet as always. i feel secure and happy and satisfied. although it meant risking getting home later than my expected time. i felt safe anyway because i know he's with me..

it just struck me that knowing that i have someone really special in my life now, it also worries me that i might lose him again. being both forward-looking, two months seemed to just fly by past us. but for me, i savored every moment of it. recalling all the thoughts that crossed my mind, every little significant thing that happened. maybe i am immersing myself too much into it. but this makes me happy, and quite irrational at times. but still, i trust him and myself that we can get past into any hardships. i am just hoping for the best now..

good and bad times

today is a weird day.. first day of classes after the christmas break..

it is weird for a number of reasons. one, i am slightly productive. i was able to do most of the things in my to-do list so im happy about it (that includes going to divi on my own early in the morning and experience the morning train rush, talk to people i need to talk to, return the things i borrowed, study a bit for my upcoming report, and organize and plan stuff). two, i was still able to spend time with him despite my (our) busy schedules.. lunch was as always, spent together.. but i had to cut short our bonding afterwards because i need to balance my time. so i was really suprised to see him in RSF when they were a given a free cut in his lab. i was on the verge of giving up on reading the article i was researching on for my report, but when i saw him, my face suddenly lit up (yeah, i really felt it) and i found myself smiling silly (which happens to me most of the time, i noticed these past few days). anyway, i tried not to distract myself as we both did what we were supposed to do.. but when boredom got the better of us, we went out to catch some fresh air (and food stubs too, hehe)

i was a little bothered earlier because of his unusual silence. well, i already observed he's talkative than me most of the time (who would've thought? haha) but today, he just seemed quiet. so i thought something's wrong.. he was just bothered with all the things that need to be done.. i just hope that after all these things are over, we can still enjoy each other's company.

before my class, i had some time for a quick girl-bonding with felo. its been a while since i talked to her. and it was nice sharing things to her. how happy i am, how i manage to shrug off all the stress because i have my perfect stress-buster these days (imagine, just a single mundane thought about him makes me smile..) i am just happy to share these times with him, specially when things go bad.. and this was over some walking time and coffee from mcCafe. (the place looks really good, btw. and it was jam packed!)

ok, after my eco class, he was still there. i wasnt totally expecting him to wait for me for my class and meeting to finish since it would already be late and his class ended so early. although at the back of my mind, i know he'll be waiting for me because he simply wanted to. and he did.. so after our meeting, JJ and I had our sundo waiting for us, a few tables away as we wrapped up our meeting.

it was really chilly on our way home. it was just sad since danielle didnt come with us. probably hated being the third wheel. anyway, we dont mind third wheels that much anyway.. so it was time alone again.. he noticed how silly my face gets when i smile to widely. you cant blame me. i dont want to hide how im feeling.. i guess it just shows too much.. he lent me his jacket because i was feeling really cold then. it was really sweet of him..Ü

anyway, for the bad time.. he wasnt feeling so sure of himself. and i cant blame him. this time happens often to people. you just need someone to assure you that you are not worthless and you are important. and that is how exactly i feel about him.. although i told him as sincerely as i could, it still depends on him if he will believe it. then, i felt kinda bad because i felt helpless.. i had no idea what to do to make him feel better.. i want to spend more time with him to talk things over if he needs it, but i had to be home because it was already getting late..

silence as we were walking. i guess, both of us were thinking. and its difficult to share your thoughts specially when they are too scattered and vague that they seem too pointless.. i wanted to tell him how significant his role is in my life now. and i was feeling embarassed to tell him upfront although i know it would mean more if i did. i guess i didnt have that much guts. anyway, i decided i would text him later once i found the words..

after i ate dinner, i decided to tell him what i really wanted to tell him, but i received his message first which melted my heart. i wasnt helpless earlier. and it felt good that he feels somehow the same way i do.

so there, i let go of the troubles i had in mind.. i didnt have to worry about us because we talk things over.. we share times of depression and happiness..

one thing i also liked about us is that he constantly irritates me jokingly so i reserve my right to be mataray. its fun.Ü

*i wasnt able to give him enough credit for being so mature at this particular moment. but i really admire him for that. he was able to sort through his own issues and i was just there to give him the right push.. i was happy about it.*

thinking thoughts

hmmm... it is starting to dawn on me.. depressing thoughts.. after the many elating days, its gone.. we're apart now.

come to think of it..im not the kind who is soo dependent on my partner. fine i miss him,but not to the point that i dont feel like doing anything because he's not with me. or just wishing he's with me wherever i am. as if i can't stand on my own two feet. its not me. i feel alienated...

sometimes i think, he really handles things more maturely than i do. and its weird. am i really on this stage of life where everythings gets turned inside out. from the organize freak to the happy-go-lucky. from the strong and independent to the needy and immature. what has happened to me? can falling make me change this much?

but come to think of it, time apart means time for myself. time to find myself again. some soul-searching.. right. i need to use this time wisely because come january, i dont want to be alienated again...


ok so back to the happy and kilig updates..

we had our supposed last day together last friday.. as promised, we again stayed in bel field, him ditching the caroling night which made me feel really guilty but he promised he'll explain to the caroling people. we ate the food we brought. green mangoes as promised.. although we didnt buy any bel field food as we intended to. and then we watched the stars, and the lights until they were turned off. and hugged, and hugged some more.. sigh.. record of having the longest, sweetest, weirdest hug ever. he gave me a gift. a monkey i'll be naming after him. i demanded him to spray his cologne on the monkey so i can still smell him all the time (although i miss terribly his old smell). and i'll be putting him beside me as i go to sleep...Ü

first time we held hands. his hands are so big. and very warm, too.

then, come sunday, i wasnt so sure if he could come. but he did. and mom saw us together and thought something's up. i knew it. mothers can really feel what's going on with their daughters. oh well...

then that was it. that was the last time we'll be seeing each other until God knows when. it saddens me. i miss him terribly right now. but i have to be strong. on my own. i dont have to depend on him all the time..

monthsary daw e..

ayun.. so nagbonding kami kanina.. sobrang saya.. sobrang enjoy.. as in..

haayyy.. at first, nabwisit ako kasi sabi niya mallate daw siya.. 230 kasi yung usapan namin. pero malapit na mag-230 pero hindi pa rin siya nagttext.. so tinext ko na siya.. at sabi niya, mallate daw siya kasi nagkaproblema something sa bahay.. so fine.. tapos 330 na lang daw niya ko susunduin.. fine.. e di nag-aral na lang ako kuno ng ma187..

tapos yun, sinundo na niya ko. bagong gupit ang mokong, hahah.. nainitan daw e..
sinabi niya na rin finally na sa riverbanks ang tuloy namin.. ok fine..Ü medyo traffic nga, gaya ng sabi niya.. pagdating namin dun, naglaro muna kami ng basketball.. nakakangalay, 3 straight games.. pero nakuha ko rin yung pitik ng kamay ko, so natuwa naman ako..Ü

after nun, kain na kami.. tapos lumabas kami.. well, andun na yung surprise.. grabe, ano ba.. natutuwa talaga ako.. sobrang sweet.. pero sobrang corny.. pero sobrang sweet pa rin talaga, ok.. haaayyyy... kinasabwat niya yung brother niya para dalhin yung food dun, na luto ng mom niya (ok, family effort here).. tapos yun, may dala siyang sarong tapos umupo kami sa grass.. tapos kumain together.. haaayyy, ang saya.. ayun, tapos kwentuhan.. bonding.. ang saya lang talaga.. nakakarelax.. masarap lang siya katabi, habang nakasandal ka lang sa kaniya.. yun.. i feel so at peace..

nung pauwi na kami, dumaan kami sa isang burger store at may rose pa.. ano buzz.. parang gusto ko nang maloka at that moment, ok..

tapos yun, hinatid niya ko pauwi.. grabe.. ang masasabi ko lang, first time ko maka-experience ng ganung preparation.. ng ganung effort. yung susunduin ka pa at ihahatid kahit kaya mo naman mag-isa.. tapos may pagka-traditional yung dating with the rose and the family help, pero hindi ka ba kikiligin sa ganung gestures.. grabe.. i just feel so loved..

ayun.. and the importance of the date.. why does it have to be 14th? e kasi monthsary nga daw namin.. one month since the CEAP thing.. so yun.. happy "monthsary" hahahah...Ü

excited, happy.. but too much...

adsa xmas party kagabi at kumanta yung Gabay carolers.. first time ko sila marinig.. at magaling sila.. as in, sobrang para akong sasabog sa tuwa nung marinig ko sila kasi ang galing talaga.. tapos nung kinanta nila yung Emmanuel, parang hindi nakapagpigil si Sir RSA at sinabayan sila ng kahon. ang galing.. wala lang.. amazed talaga ako.. at alam na ng ADSA people ang about samin, pero i dont mind.. kinikilig nga ako. (hay, ang landi..)

bukas, magbbonding kami.. hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin namin. surprise daw. oh well.. sana mag-enjoy kami.. wala akong idea talaga..

haaayyy... pero kailangan ko rin mag-aral.. balance!!!

wala lang, kinakabahan lang ako sa fact na baka may mga napapabayaan na ako.. like myself.. ewan ko.. yun. kailangan mag-aral..

naalala ko yung "quiz" na pina-take sakin ni lorenz.. parang totoo na siya ngayon.. taker ako, babaguhin ko siya.. pero hindi naman masyado.. sa tingin ko naman, ok pa kami.. sana.. gusto ko siya kausapin, pero tungkol saan. hindi, gusto ko lang siyang kasama. hahaha.. haynakokarennagigingmasyadokanangdependent. masama ito.

may isa pa pala akong pinagtataka.. bakit dito pa rin ako nagbblog kahit na hindi naman na ako masyadong naglilihim? hhahaha

a different kind of bonding

my day started unpleasantly, but i managed to get through all of it because i had one thing in mind, our bonding later in the afternoon.. it was a good thing that i really planned to jog in school at least once a week after my tuesday class, so it was like hitting two birds with one stone..

however, since i dont have much practice in any physical activity, my weak stamina got the better of me, so i had to stop jogging, a few minutes after we started.. i was already having side stitches.. it was starting to get really painful.. much as i would like to keep up with him, i dont want to be in so much pain, so i had to let him go ahead, as i walked my way to the cov courts where we agreed to meet after a few minutes..

after jogging, we stayed by his locker to rest for a while.. i was really having the urge to give him a huge hug despite our being so sweaty.. but i resisted myself.. i settled on just leaning on his shoulder because i was really dead beat then.. he still smelled nice even though he was really dripping with sweat..

we changed afterwards, and behold, we were wearing the same shirt, hahaha.. the shirt we got from CEAP.. oohh, tells something.. anyway, it was time for us to go home then.. kim joined us, but i didnt mind.. i hope he didnt mind either..

before going home, he treated me with kwek kwek.. (street food, it was an adventure for me, hahaha).. he also saved me from getting hit by a motorcycle. (damn that driver) and he tried to hugged me before he bid me goodbye, but my bagpack was so huge, so i wondered how it felt for him..

there.. good day for me again.. enough to get me inspired for my lt tom..

i wonder why i had to blog all the things that's been happening about us. i was even thinking if i would let him read this one day.. i dont know.. maybe, this whole experience makes me extremely happy. so its nice to keep good memories, right?

its becoming a habit

the day after we talked things to through, i was glad that nobody really made a big deal out of things. they were happy for us, and im thankful for that. unfortunately, i was still unable to tell most of my closest friends who would most probably flip out the moment they learned about it. im still hoping for the best. my best friend in the whole world didnt even take it against me, im just hoping for a subtler reaction...

anyway.. i am still happy about a lot of little things that happened today:

lunch with anna and alvin (except for the banana thing. damn, i hate bananas..)
snacks with raymond
way home
waking me up



have to study now.. having colds is not an excuse..:c

paranoia will do you no good

akala ko after more than a week of happiness, mauubos din ang reasons para maging masaya ako at mapapalitan ng pagiging miserable, pag-iisip ng kung ano-ano, etc..

well, sa simula ng araw na ito, medyo ganun nga ang nangyari.. para bang nauubusan na ako ng reasons.. parang kulang sa consistency.. marami ako masyadong demands na hindi nammeet.. kaya nakakafrustrate, nakakapagod isipin, nakaka-paranoid. pero yun, it was just a waste of energy and brain cells. although you can't blame me.. im just a little bit too careful..

what happened today.. basketball. although hindi gaano enjoy kasi wala akong pamalit na damit at naka-sandals ako.. so hindi ko ma-todo yung energy ko.. after nun, time for myself and for other things.. nung makita ko siya ulit, natuwa naman ako na sabay kaming uuwi.. SABOG, sori talaga.. namiss ko kayo.. bawi ako sa sunod na meeting..Ü

during my class 430-730 class, hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin sa malaking bintanang katabi ko at mag-moment.. iniisip ko talaga, ayoko na talaga masaktan, as much as possible. kahit alam kong given na yun sa anumang relasyon, kung pwede lang talaga maiwasan yun, iiwasan ko talaga. isa pa, parang ngayong araw na ito, may hinahanap ako na hindi ko makita. o ineexpect na hindi dumating. although pag tinatanong ko yung sarili ko kung ano yun, wala naman akong maisagot. ang hirap nun a. yung may gusto ka, pero hindi mo alam. ang alam mo lang, may kulang. at kailangan mo mahanap yun asap, else, magiging anxious ka lang..

anyway, at least before the day ended, it ended almost perfectly.. nafeel ko ang maturity niya, na parang mas higit pa sakin. at nakakatuwa yun. kasi naman, diba, we need to move forward, or we have to stop.

ayun. basta happy ako. Ü