att/detachments

my life now is so much different from my life before, in so many aspects. A lot of things have happened to me that I might actually be too ashamed to share to  my friends back home. I am also going through a lot of emotional attachments and detachments these days and they tire me out. being the introvert i am, i do enjoy the company of a few people, and then some. hanging out with them too often may be very enjoyable but i also don't want these new relationships to have any wrong connotations.

i told myself that im done with him. but i just don't get it. one intimate moment that we shared together, we became comfortable with each other again and then afterwards, go back to square one. its just too confusing and try as i might to shove the idea aside of my thoughts, i just can't. coz at the back of my mind, i know there is something up. i don't want to be confrontational anymore coz i have already hurt my pride and i don't want that to happen again. saddest part of it all, this is no longer some teenage romance for me. i am so done with that. and although finding that one person is not on top of my priority list, a jerk that would just play around my feelings has no place on my list either. why i can't freaking let go of him?

ive debated with myself over and over again that he's not worth it. and that i am just wasting all my time and energy thinking and hoping that it could work. did i finally meet my match of such a noncommittal person who would hurt me as much as i had hurt others? this is just too much.

lately, i've been becoming the third wheel of bro couples around me. its just funny. and being the dude that i am, i don't really mind. i just don't want to be put into that awkward situation of being around guys all the time and judged as the flirt or the easy to get. its not fair. first of all, its not that im attracting all these attention around me. it just so happened that these guys are easy to get along with, they don't give me a hard time (and yeah, at the back of my mind, i kinda like them). but still, i try not to cross that line of leading them on. i am just for the quality time with my guys, and i love it.

although, its been putting me into this awkward situation with this particular bro couple i am a third wheel of. one of them just recently broke up with his girlfriend, another friend of ours. i know in my heart of hearts that i am not the rebound girl here. its just that we get to talk more when they broke up and we really clicked. i like spending time with him (them) and i don't feel awkward at all. i just hope that we won't spread rumors about it. coz i hate rumors. and i hate being judged for something that other people dont know everything about anyway. i don't have to explain myself to anyone.

i don't think i can ever get out of this roller coaster of emotions. im getting tired of it. considering that i am not a very emotional person to begin with, this attachments and detachments just never end. i wish i could just hide inside my own cave or shell and never get out. away from all the judging looks of other people. away from all the messed up relationships im building. away from all the people who care about me. its sad. i know. just last night, i felt that. and the sadder part is im getting used to it. being alone doesn't feel as bad as it used to be because i am in that self-preservation mode again. i love being loved and loving someone in return. but the process of looking for it and keeping it is far too much for me.

i wish i could just turn back time and decided things differently, especially with him. he's hurt me so much but i just can't let go. what happened to my reasonable self?

sometimes, i just want to hit myself on the head just to punish myself from acting the way i do. i dunno anymore how to resolve this. do i need a therapist?