will stop posting now

i just feel like im only obliged to write even though nobody is obliging me to do so. anyway, things that are happening are best kept in the heart and in the mind..


and im just finding a good excuse for not writing satisfactory entries at this point of time. i am just, hmmm.. too preoccupied. too stressed out and even letting them out feels absurd at this point..

so there you go, i might stop writing for a long time.. but im sure i'll be back again one of these days..



he said something today that made my heart stop

2 months

i thought he forgot. he didn't but he just didnt bring it up. its not that its not important. its just that, there are other more important things (i forgot what he really said about this, but i understand anyway)..

we still made this day special despite our frustrations. we really have a liking for fields. it was nice to see stars in the sky, and it was really cold. he is still sweet as always. i feel secure and happy and satisfied. although it meant risking getting home later than my expected time. i felt safe anyway because i know he's with me..

it just struck me that knowing that i have someone really special in my life now, it also worries me that i might lose him again. being both forward-looking, two months seemed to just fly by past us. but for me, i savored every moment of it. recalling all the thoughts that crossed my mind, every little significant thing that happened. maybe i am immersing myself too much into it. but this makes me happy, and quite irrational at times. but still, i trust him and myself that we can get past into any hardships. i am just hoping for the best now..

talking resolves things

hmm.. today was a happy day, we were able to discuss a few important things.

it was quite a light day for me. thanks to the amf131 free cut. during our free time together, we bonded again in the roofdeck where it was insanely cold.

we were lucky to have chairs there so we were able to sit on somewhere. we were quite fearing of getting caught by some guards although we werent doing anything wrong. the fact that we were staying there when we're not supposed to, is well, unreasonable...

anyway, i told him i loved leaning on his shoulder. i really feel secured when i do so. although it feels awkward because my face becomes too close to him. its as if i was tempting him to do something that he fears i might be angry about..

another thing, we also agreed to lessen pda (if that's how you would call it since its not really that). its for our own good, i guess.. and he just wants to protect me..

we had another long tight hug before we left leong roofdeck. it felt like ages since we were able to do that, and it felt really nice and comforting.. i also felt his respect for me.. and for his self, i guess.. it is nice.

regarding the kiss thing, i told him, i wanted each to be special (although he argues that every day is special. really now. haha) so as not to lose the meaning. i guess that clears things up..Ü

one sad thing though... i wont be around on his birthday on the 24th.. that is, if our immersion sched will push through on the 23rd-25th.. i dont want to be selfish and prevent my groupmates to have an out-of-town immersion. so there, i had to be away. possibly without permission to use my phone.. i just have to make it up to him. when i told him about it, he wouldnt admit that it would be sad for him.. he was just trying to be understanding, as always.. but it would be really sad..

i just noticed while im writing all these down, my mind seem so fragmented.. nothing seemed coherent.. and everything sounded absurd.. i cant find the proper words to describe how im feeling. its unusual..

btw, it is our 2nd "monthsary" tomorrow. i dont know if he has plans, or if he even remembered.. im still fighting the urge to mention it to him. i dont know what to do. my plans for tomorrow are already hindered by my late execution.. so i guess, we have to do with what is available, which i have no idea what our options are.

on other things, i might be able to get full scholarship again for my fifth year. yey!Ü

whatever happens, he's there for me

my weekend was stressful. i have never been in this much stress in weeks. i have been handling myself properly until yesterday when i broke down. it rarely happens. and when it does, well, it is heartbreaking to see me cry that much because i rarely cry these days. i just came to that point when i cant handle things anymore.

anyway, that is another thing of the past. seriously, at this point of time, i seem to have no regard over things that are rational. its as if i am acting on mere whim. whatever my heart feels like doing i do so, without thinking twice if its right or wrong.

anyway, i feel so alone here at home. as if everybody's ganging up on me to make my life really miserable. that's the reason why i broke down. but despite that, i am happy to have someone who would back me up. someone who would continue to inspire me. to set things straight for me. someone to cheer me up, to assure me that things will really get better in the long run. someone who strengthens me and reminds me of my abilities.

although we still have a lot of things left undiscussed, i hope we could find time to discuss all these. for now, i am happy that we are together supporting each other. time is really a scarce commodity these days..

he did something before we went home. i kinda hinted what it was but i was in my un-thinking mode. how it felt? well, it kinda felt nice, but funny, i dont know how to describe it. i guess he was still really hesitant about it. for me however, it is still not an issue. i want to take things slow. i just dont want him to be influenced by his peers. unless he really thinks that it is necessary, then i guess, we have to talk things over...

i love being around him, its like an addiction i have little control over. the weather's really cold around here and having his arms around me warms me up. his smell is like an assuring scent that things will be ok no matter what.

its been a while

i really resisted the temptation of updating here because of my stressful academic week. but now that i am temporarily free, its time to be ultimately cheesy and well, kinda problematic..

well, first of all, it was a rather disappointing comeback week for us. for one, we've been so busy. its like, the moment we went back to school meant that we dont have much time to spend together. it is frustrating. and in the short times that we are together, we dont seem to spend quality time. what is quality time to me anyway?

another thing, i really want to discuss some serious stuff about us, but i dont want to add to the things that really stress him out for the moment. he is handling two upcoming projects, plus his acad load is not really that light. plus, the pressure of elections (i dont even know if that's bothering him). on the other hand, i have my fair share of troubles myself. i dont want to get straight Ds in all my majors. i am so frustrated with myself as if i havent done anything right the moment 2nd sem started so now im suffering. crap.

so there, i really miss hanging out with him. and really enjoying and relaxing. but i suppose those things will have to wait.

one thing that really bothers me now is our intimacy. are we PDA-ing? i cant tell. but i really miss those bonding times. i wonder if he feels the same way.

another thing, i seem a bit insecure lately. what is wrong with me? with him? with us?

crap. i hate being melodramatic.

Leadership Blues

in just a few days, we'll be knowing who will replace us as the officers of Gabay.. i dont exactly know how i'll feel towards it.. i am quite worried if some people might decide not to run, or if the wrong people might decide to run, and eventually win. but of course, my assessment of people are very limited. whatever happens during their term is still up to them.

looking back, its as if my own experience of pre-elections are still very clear in my memory.. the anxiety of discerning if i would run or not. plus my own parents' weight on that decision. my fear of being unable to balance my time. fear of not having enough time for myself. failing. falling short.

well, those things happened, and more. but in summary, it was a very fruitful experience. i truly love my colleagues for never giving up on me, on us. SABOG is truly the best. i love each and every one of them. although i am quite regretful for not being able to deepen our relationships with each other, specially with Soph and Danielle. my guess is that, we are fearing too much about our personal relationships getting in the way of our professional work. either way, it was nice to work with them. and in "losing" them, i was able to open myself to other people who are willing to support me in times of uncertainty.

i am not sure if we have done well as officers of the org. i admit i had my shortcomings. it was very difficult to balance everything. but it was worth all the stress, the sleepless overnights, the tears, sweat and blood, the sugar rush, money, pigging out, all nighters, endless digression, UBEs. well, all these things are part only within the ExeCom.

the members are my continued inspiration. projects may have failed. turnout may be low. budget could have been a deficit. PICs may have gone AWOL. whatever happened, those are only things of the past. what's important is that those who were involved learned something new. the participants enjoyed.

i remembered what inspired me to write this entry. i was surprised one time when i was checking my email, a COA announcement read that SABOG was nominated as the best ExeCom for the year. i was surprised. i recognized that we have been really sabog in our term, who wouldve thought that someone would think otherwise. anyway, it was overwhelming to know that somebody appreciated our efforts despite that.

however, it is not the award (if ever we were lucky enough), nor the recognitions from any other group or institution. it is knowing in your heart that you have done something good for the betterment of other people. to know that you have inspired others to continue your efforts. its leaving a legacy and knowing that somehow, someone will pass it on to others as well..

its about really doing what you love and loving what you do.

mixed emotions

i am feeling anxious now. i know i dont have to, but i cant help myself. its as if things are turned upside down at this point.

i have so many points of reflection for today. any simple thing strikes me to realize something. and it is an overload for me.. too many realizations in one day makes me forget most of them. it seems like a waste..

at this point, i dont feel to inspired to write anything worth of reading material. right now, i am just feeling anxious that things dont seem to be in their right places. i have to study, but just like writing now, i dont feel inspired. i need to feel pressured to start studying for my subjects. plus i need to do a lot of things too.. its frustrating..

i'll just eat this out..

anyway, i remembered what happened earlier today.. my amf131 classroom is just beside his ma101 classroom. before he went to class, he passed by my room to talk to me.. although it was purely business, it was nice to see him early in the morning to freshen up my mind and remove the cobwebs that appeared there so early after my first math class. anyway, after lunch, i noticed that we were wearing matching clothes. it looked funny..black jeans and blue shirt. haha.. i wasnt even planning to wear those pants but i changed my mind last minute this morning. well it happens sometimes these days...

he accompanied me when i went up to kuya alec to copy Yiruma tracks. then i asked him if he would walk me to class.. compromise, since i didnt want him to be late for his class, i settled for the stairs near my room. we walked hand in hand as we trudged along the brick walk, debating why we were holding hands while walking. i won the argument! haha.. well, it was a nice feeling walking with him. i can really feel his warmth, and its absence, well, made me feel alone..

there, i need to get back to my books now, else, i'll be getting straight Ds in all my exams.

good and bad times

today is a weird day.. first day of classes after the christmas break..

it is weird for a number of reasons. one, i am slightly productive. i was able to do most of the things in my to-do list so im happy about it (that includes going to divi on my own early in the morning and experience the morning train rush, talk to people i need to talk to, return the things i borrowed, study a bit for my upcoming report, and organize and plan stuff). two, i was still able to spend time with him despite my (our) busy schedules.. lunch was as always, spent together.. but i had to cut short our bonding afterwards because i need to balance my time. so i was really suprised to see him in RSF when they were a given a free cut in his lab. i was on the verge of giving up on reading the article i was researching on for my report, but when i saw him, my face suddenly lit up (yeah, i really felt it) and i found myself smiling silly (which happens to me most of the time, i noticed these past few days). anyway, i tried not to distract myself as we both did what we were supposed to do.. but when boredom got the better of us, we went out to catch some fresh air (and food stubs too, hehe)

i was a little bothered earlier because of his unusual silence. well, i already observed he's talkative than me most of the time (who would've thought? haha) but today, he just seemed quiet. so i thought something's wrong.. he was just bothered with all the things that need to be done.. i just hope that after all these things are over, we can still enjoy each other's company.

before my class, i had some time for a quick girl-bonding with felo. its been a while since i talked to her. and it was nice sharing things to her. how happy i am, how i manage to shrug off all the stress because i have my perfect stress-buster these days (imagine, just a single mundane thought about him makes me smile..) i am just happy to share these times with him, specially when things go bad.. and this was over some walking time and coffee from mcCafe. (the place looks really good, btw. and it was jam packed!)

ok, after my eco class, he was still there. i wasnt totally expecting him to wait for me for my class and meeting to finish since it would already be late and his class ended so early. although at the back of my mind, i know he'll be waiting for me because he simply wanted to. and he did.. so after our meeting, JJ and I had our sundo waiting for us, a few tables away as we wrapped up our meeting.

it was really chilly on our way home. it was just sad since danielle didnt come with us. probably hated being the third wheel. anyway, we dont mind third wheels that much anyway.. so it was time alone again.. he noticed how silly my face gets when i smile to widely. you cant blame me. i dont want to hide how im feeling.. i guess it just shows too much.. he lent me his jacket because i was feeling really cold then. it was really sweet of him..Ü

anyway, for the bad time.. he wasnt feeling so sure of himself. and i cant blame him. this time happens often to people. you just need someone to assure you that you are not worthless and you are important. and that is how exactly i feel about him.. although i told him as sincerely as i could, it still depends on him if he will believe it. then, i felt kinda bad because i felt helpless.. i had no idea what to do to make him feel better.. i want to spend more time with him to talk things over if he needs it, but i had to be home because it was already getting late..

silence as we were walking. i guess, both of us were thinking. and its difficult to share your thoughts specially when they are too scattered and vague that they seem too pointless.. i wanted to tell him how significant his role is in my life now. and i was feeling embarassed to tell him upfront although i know it would mean more if i did. i guess i didnt have that much guts. anyway, i decided i would text him later once i found the words..

after i ate dinner, i decided to tell him what i really wanted to tell him, but i received his message first which melted my heart. i wasnt helpless earlier. and it felt good that he feels somehow the same way i do.

so there, i let go of the troubles i had in mind.. i didnt have to worry about us because we talk things over.. we share times of depression and happiness..

one thing i also liked about us is that he constantly irritates me jokingly so i reserve my right to be mataray. its fun.Ü

*i wasnt able to give him enough credit for being so mature at this particular moment. but i really admire him for that. he was able to sort through his own issues and i was just there to give him the right push.. i was happy about it.*

love and family

the holidays are almost over.. and it only meant one thing for me.. freedom from the people here in the house, and back to my normal life outside house life. its not that i hate them. they are my family still. its just that, its a wonder how we were able to coexist despite the diversity in our characters.

dad.
well he is noisy. he barely moves his butt around the house and thats one thing i am annoyed the most. he really tests my patience. and with him, i was able to practice the breathe in-breathe out exercise whenever the limit for my patience is about to cross that very thin line.

mom.
she is menopausal. i guess that says it all. she has a very thin patience, specially to dad. well, i cant blame her. if i were in her position, i might act just as well. but sometimes, it was already too much. too annoying with all the shouting, etc.

ate camil
well, she also rarely moves her butt around the house. always pretends she's sick. (i don't know anymore when she genuinely feels sick). anyway, another thing i hate about her is when she sleeps on my bed instead of sleeping on her own. i just love to keep my own private heaven private so i want other people out of it most of the time, specially people who i am not so fond of.


anyway, this vacation was really a test of patience, and time management. good thing my little sis keeps me stress free no matter what happens. even if i spend most of my time looking after her, i really dont mind. she is really fun to be with. gives me the love i need specially at times when i feel like breaking down..


there you go, i guess my realization here is: love will keep me going, despite all my anxieties in life. when i am on the verge of giving up and breaking down, love will give me enough inspiration for me to go on and fight.

random thoughts

on my bed

as i lay on my bed
i saw the stuff around
on my blue sheets
that snuggle close to me
as i go to sleep

that white dog
in a silly bunny suite
rests under my chin
accompanies me
as i drift off and dream

a little brown monkey
lies next to my cheek
his smell lingers on it
keeps me sane on his absence
reminds me im not alone

those blue and orange heads
bobbing up and down
resting on a purple heart
says yes to all my queries
agrees on my insanities

i feel him around me
in my sleep
i am not abandoned
my nightmares are scared away
frees me to dream of him


***



lights dance around us
stars above our heads
canopy of trees
green grass
his arms around me
perfect.

updates..

hmm.. i haven't been blogging about him for quite some time so its time again to become disgustingly cheesy, hehehh

so yesterday was new year's eve. i was not really in the mood to celebrate.. it was a peaceful welcome to the new year. and its ok with me. i find happiness in silence..

anyway, we've been texting for some time, and he asked me if we could talk over the phone. we couldnt at first because dad forced us to call tita liz first. after talking to tita liz, and when my parents have settled in their room, i called him up. i guess we talked for almost an hour. i wonder if he actually understood what i was saying then since my voice was so muffled. i couldnt talk that much since people at home were already sleeping. i didnt want dad to catch me talking with him...

anyway, i slept afterwards.. he told me that his blanket smelled like me. haha.. i guess he's so used to how i smell.. i now wonder if i would be changing from cologne to perfume or would i be sticking to my old smell.. we'll see..

i asked him what was one thing that i could do that would hurt him immensely. he told me, the things that hurt him in the past. like betraying him for someone else and hiding things from him. i on the other hand told him that i would hate him if he we wouldnt talk things over and explain why we did things, specially the bad ones. the point is, not wanting to explain means not wanting the other person to understand which will lead to confusion. i dont want to be left confused. it is a really frustrating feeling.

i am still so crazy about him.. sometimes, i think i am already overly swooning over him. which is sickeningly sweet and could be irritating at times. good thing, he can still tolerate me..

we went to church together on the 1st. i thought he wasnt coming because it was already 625 and i told him to drop by at 620. turns out, he just couldnt text me, and he was there already there by 6. anyway, it was nice to see him again, as always. he complimented my dress. he gave me some fruit salad her mother made. he told his mother he was going out on a date. sort of. we took the longer way home, because i wanted to spend some more time with him. as we were walking, it drizzled a little, and we shared under his umbrella. and then we had to say goodbye again. i was glad he was asking questions about my religion. it makes me feel as if he was really interested.

i could really see my future with him. although i am still scared with deepening my thoughts about it, because i am protecting myself. i dont want to get hurt too deeply.. i guess i will have to trust him more, and trust my gut more..

i am worried by the fact that dad doesnt have much idea about us yet. my mom and sister already has some vague idea. i dont want them to get in the way because they dont like him for some reason. i guess i am too blinded because i couldnt see any. but they will. and i hate it. i just hope when the time comes, they will accept him, because i really like this person. they have no idea what we are going through at this point.

as always, it is his small gestures that really makes me like him more. he really knows how to make me feel really special. i am so absorbed..

happy new year

2009 na.
bagong taon
dapat nagsasaya, pero tahimik lang ako..
ewan ko, kasi kahit ayokong magtunog bitter, wala namang reason para mag-enjoy..
labo.. masaya naman ako.. pero hindi lang siguro nakikiisa ang mood ko para salubungin ang bagong taon. parang ang pointless kasi. hindi rin siguro nagssettle sakin yung thought na 2009 na. anong bang difference.. ganun pa rin naman ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko. lumipas lang ang panahon..

ang emo naman nun..

pero kahit ganun, i am still trying to be stay positive. hindi naman ako nag-iisa e.
at masaya na ako na ganun..