last thurs and friday: delayed posts because apparently, i blog about us everyday

hindi ako nakapag-blog for two days.. pero masaya pa rin ako.. hindi rin kami nakapagbonding kahit sandali.. pero ayos lang.. kailangan ko rin kasi mag-aral e.. tapos na yung longtest at ayun, excited naman akong sumamba kasi kasama ko ulit siya.. at ngayon, wala na si mommy, hahaha..

medyo weird pa rin yung feeling na kasama ko siya sa kapilya.. parang inantok nga siya at some point. pero masaya pa rin ako kasi kasama ko siya.. pero siyempre, hindi pa rin mawawala yung doubt at uncertainty sa maraming mga bagay.. baka kasi hindi pa rin siya magtuloy.. at ayokong ako lang yung reason kaya siya nagtutuloy.. hindi yun tama.. at desidido talaga ako na gawin nang tama ang lahat this time.. ayoko na ulit masaktan at makasakit pa..

after nun, friday.. a seemingly bad day for both of us. buti na lang, nagkasama pa rin kami.. although at this point, mukhang marami nang nakakapansin samin, i dont mind. ok lang talaga. siguro medyo nabbother lang ako sa fact na hindi ko pa yun nasasabi sa lahat ng mga ka-close ko.. pero aside from that, wala naman na akong ibang dahilang para magworry or whatever..

sana matuloy ulit siya sa sunday para magkita ulit kami. natutuwa akong makita siya.


ano bang mga dahilan kung bakit ko siya nagustuhan:
he really makes me feel that i am special
he makes me happy even with the littlest of things
i like spending time with him, i dont even mind if other people get curious
he makes things in life bearable
he is very supportive
he really likes me a lot
he gives my life a certain sense of direction in one aspect
he talks sense to me
i like him a lot too.

its becoming a habit

the day after we talked things to through, i was glad that nobody really made a big deal out of things. they were happy for us, and im thankful for that. unfortunately, i was still unable to tell most of my closest friends who would most probably flip out the moment they learned about it. im still hoping for the best. my best friend in the whole world didnt even take it against me, im just hoping for a subtler reaction...

anyway.. i am still happy about a lot of little things that happened today:

lunch with anna and alvin (except for the banana thing. damn, i hate bananas..)
snacks with raymond
way home
waking me up



have to study now.. having colds is not an excuse..:c

probably one of my most sensible yet fun conversations ever

nakakapagod talaga ang tth sked ko.. its an accomplishment for me to manage to smile despite the stress and the info overload, plus the urge to just stop listening and give it a rest...

that was what i did most of the day: to listen.

ate glai made me cry! i really didnt expect to see her. and i really missed her soo much. the moment i saw her, i remembered our rare bonding moments in matteo, just talking about life. yes, life. a topic so general, yet so rich with insights.. ate glai, i owe you a lot of kwento.. i promise i will fill you in!

when my classes ended, we talked, as promised. and it was refreshing to finally sit down and talk about our situation. although it was getting a bit too complicated, im glad that we're both willing to do our part to make the situation less complicated.. it's for our sake and for our friends too.. so if ever any of our friends will be reading this, (as if).. something's up.. you might notice it.. maybe you guys are already suspicious about it, and yes, they are quite true.. just dont hold it against us. just let us be. and be happy for us, k?

so going back to our conversation, it was really nice. that was an undestatement. it was elating. to be really open about a lot of things. and still accept and understand everything. i hope we'll have more conversations such as these..

so there you go, another happy happy day..Ü

paranoia will do you no good

akala ko after more than a week of happiness, mauubos din ang reasons para maging masaya ako at mapapalitan ng pagiging miserable, pag-iisip ng kung ano-ano, etc..

well, sa simula ng araw na ito, medyo ganun nga ang nangyari.. para bang nauubusan na ako ng reasons.. parang kulang sa consistency.. marami ako masyadong demands na hindi nammeet.. kaya nakakafrustrate, nakakapagod isipin, nakaka-paranoid. pero yun, it was just a waste of energy and brain cells. although you can't blame me.. im just a little bit too careful..

what happened today.. basketball. although hindi gaano enjoy kasi wala akong pamalit na damit at naka-sandals ako.. so hindi ko ma-todo yung energy ko.. after nun, time for myself and for other things.. nung makita ko siya ulit, natuwa naman ako na sabay kaming uuwi.. SABOG, sori talaga.. namiss ko kayo.. bawi ako sa sunod na meeting..Ü

during my class 430-730 class, hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin sa malaking bintanang katabi ko at mag-moment.. iniisip ko talaga, ayoko na talaga masaktan, as much as possible. kahit alam kong given na yun sa anumang relasyon, kung pwede lang talaga maiwasan yun, iiwasan ko talaga. isa pa, parang ngayong araw na ito, may hinahanap ako na hindi ko makita. o ineexpect na hindi dumating. although pag tinatanong ko yung sarili ko kung ano yun, wala naman akong maisagot. ang hirap nun a. yung may gusto ka, pero hindi mo alam. ang alam mo lang, may kulang. at kailangan mo mahanap yun asap, else, magiging anxious ka lang..

anyway, at least before the day ended, it ended almost perfectly.. nafeel ko ang maturity niya, na parang mas higit pa sakin. at nakakatuwa yun. kasi naman, diba, we need to move forward, or we have to stop.

ayun. basta happy ako. Ü

heart matters

dahil naglilihim ako ngayon, balik muna ako sa luma kong bahay...

nakakatuwang malaman na hindi lang matters-of-the-heart ang nagpapaikot sa buhay ko ngayon. hindi tuloy ako masyadong nahihirapan maglihim. halimbawa na lang, sa mga pagkakataon na hindi ko siya nakakasabay umuwi, at ibang mga kaibigan ko ang kasama ko, kapag tinanong nila kung kumusta na ako, bagamat yun ang unang sumasagi sa isip ko, pinipilit kong mag-isip ng ibang bagay para naman hindi ko tahasang inilalaglag ang sarili ko.. pwede namang umikot ang usapan sa Gabay, seniors' syndrome, theo at philo talk.. yung mga tipong magiging umaatikabo ang usapan kaya hindi na namin kailangan pang mag-isip ng ibang topic habang binabagtas namin ang kahabaan ng katipunan. basta sa katapusan, idinadagdag ko na lang na masaya ako. kasi masaya naman talaga ako.

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pangontra sa aking umaapaw na masayang disposisyon ngayon, may naalala ako kanina na nagpalungkot sakin. habang kausap ko Siya, sabi ko, sana hindi na ulit ako makapanakit, kasi ayoko na rin masaktan, kamon, napaka-nega.. pero totoo yun. kasi nung naisip ko si ex-not-boyfriend, parang bumalik yung sakit na naramdaman ko. at sumasakit talaga yung puso ko in the literal sense. wala lang. ayoko ng ganun e...

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fiction part
sabi ng kaibigan ko, maswerte daw ako dahil hindi pa ako nagkakaboyfriend kaya magiging bukas ako sa lahat ng pwedeng mangyari, kahit ang masaktan..

hindi niya lang ang pinagdaanan ko..

pero yun, kung sakali mang maging masyado akong maingat sa puso ko, sorry naman. ayoko lang ulit masaktan.

grabe, ang keso-keso nito...