its over..

I am so glad this day is over..
I survived another LT after not studying much for it..
I know I always complain about myself..
About not doing things the way I’m used to..
Not being organized..
And hoping against hope that I would be back to my old self..
But maybe, this just means that I have to adapt to this change..

I am busy with a lot of things..
I may not benefit from all of them..
But I already committed myself to these so there’s no turning back..
Maybe sometimes I might demand some rest..
But I have to come back, no matter what..

Another thought..
I know I’m feeling this way again towards you..
Though I don’t know if I should fight it or should I just go with the flow..
Let “faith” decide for us..
Damn, as if I don’t have a brain of my own…

Sometimes, I imagine myself reaaallly wasted..
I haven’t drunk too much alcohol to the point that I am not aware of my surroundings..
I hope one day I could experience it and then I can do whatever I want..
Without any inhibitions..
Bash anyone for all I care..


That time hasn’t come yet..
And maybe I need not be drunk or wasted to do that.
Maybe I just have to wait until I can’t take all the pressures of the world..

I want to study…

I really do… but most of the time I just catch myself staring deep into the space in front of me.. thinking about things..
I hate that feeling… I don’t want to think too much because these thoughts rarely turn into actions. I don’t like being inefficient. It’s not me..

There are times when the thought of not needing to study occur to me… something is about to come.. soon.. I’m pretty sure of it.. but I don’t know when exactly.. but see, if this thing comes, all of my efforts will be wasted.. so I don’t want to exert any more effort for myself.. I just spend my time doing much for others.. not that I don’t like it. It’s just that, I don’t used to be like this. I’m surprised with myself..

But of course, going back to the point of my need to study… I think I just need some inspiration… again, I hate this feeling.. I used to be self-dependent. If I want to push myself to do better, there would be some force within that could drive me.. I don’t need anything or anyone else to help me.. so I am calling out to anyone out there.. though it is against my principle.. inspire me.. dammit..

I can’t say if I’m feeling happy.. I laugh, all the time.. but there are times that even if I’m laughing, it doesn’t imply that I am happy.. I’m not feeling sad either.. maybe, disappointed.. with a lot of things.. it’s another feeling that I hate the most.. because the cause is external.. although it still depends on me on how I would react, most of the time, I don’t have enough energy to think things through.. it’s hard.. it consumes too much of me.. maybe I’m feeling somewhere in between..

I need a happy crush to encourage me to go to my classes.. someone who is really cute, unlike ***.. never mind.. he’s taken already… I feel pathetic..

I really find it hard to understand myself sometimes.. well, if that’s the case, I wonder how other people could understand me.. I’m so complicated.. I think too much.. I’m evil, sadistic, crude, insensitive… I am such a bad person.. I wonder how my friends can still tolerate me..

I miss doing a lot of things.. I am too busy.. but am I busy with the right things? Probably. Am I happy with what I am doing? I think so. Can I still manage the stress? Next question, please.

I am starting to like one person again.. darn. Why him, of all people.. I don’t want to ruin our threesome.. I don’t even know why I am starting to like him again.. we don’t even talk that much anymore despite the fact that we’re always together.. sometimes, I’m wondering why I’m making such crude jokes about us. Sometimes, he just rides along with those, but I wonder if he is feeling awkward about it. That would be the last thing that I would like him to feel..

I’m blogging again.. maybe I am not feeling too sane anymore.. damn.

I remember what happened to me back in fourth year when I had dengue..
My world suddenly stopped..
I had a lot to do, but I left them for me to recuperate and be back on my feet again, hopefully..
While I was at the hospital, I thought of just dying and leaving all.. everything.. I thought then that my life has already been lived to the fullest possible.. I had friends, I had my family.. I had a not-boyfriend.. but I realized that leaving them would hurt them.. and that would be the last thing in the world that I wanted to do.. and besides, I thought, I was still too young to die.. life wouldn’t be fair if ever that happened..

Now, im feeling the same way.. everything is just too f*cked up.
I have so many responsibilities, I still have to study too. Do my other duties for home and church.. and of course, I need time to rest..
Time is such as scarce commodity..
But even if time could be bought, I wouldn’t have enough money to do so..
Such miserable, miserable thought..

I listened to this song while I was scanning through the songs that are waiting to be learned as soon as I had the time to play the guitar..

Chasing cars (chorus)

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
Just forget the world?

I wish I could just do that again.. I want to leave everything and forget all the things that I have committed myself to do..
I know I can do it.. but my limitations are already pulling their weight on this already strong anchor..
I don’t know if I could still hold on and push through or if I just have to let go?


I want to be back to my old panicky self..
But I need to worry less
Do more
Be inspired and empowered
Leave the excess baggage..

Going back to the song.. if ever I just “lay here”, who would be willing to lie with me just to forget the world?