I want to study…

I really do… but most of the time I just catch myself staring deep into the space in front of me.. thinking about things..
I hate that feeling… I don’t want to think too much because these thoughts rarely turn into actions. I don’t like being inefficient. It’s not me..

There are times when the thought of not needing to study occur to me… something is about to come.. soon.. I’m pretty sure of it.. but I don’t know when exactly.. but see, if this thing comes, all of my efforts will be wasted.. so I don’t want to exert any more effort for myself.. I just spend my time doing much for others.. not that I don’t like it. It’s just that, I don’t used to be like this. I’m surprised with myself..

But of course, going back to the point of my need to study… I think I just need some inspiration… again, I hate this feeling.. I used to be self-dependent. If I want to push myself to do better, there would be some force within that could drive me.. I don’t need anything or anyone else to help me.. so I am calling out to anyone out there.. though it is against my principle.. inspire me.. dammit..

I can’t say if I’m feeling happy.. I laugh, all the time.. but there are times that even if I’m laughing, it doesn’t imply that I am happy.. I’m not feeling sad either.. maybe, disappointed.. with a lot of things.. it’s another feeling that I hate the most.. because the cause is external.. although it still depends on me on how I would react, most of the time, I don’t have enough energy to think things through.. it’s hard.. it consumes too much of me.. maybe I’m feeling somewhere in between..

I need a happy crush to encourage me to go to my classes.. someone who is really cute, unlike ***.. never mind.. he’s taken already… I feel pathetic..

I really find it hard to understand myself sometimes.. well, if that’s the case, I wonder how other people could understand me.. I’m so complicated.. I think too much.. I’m evil, sadistic, crude, insensitive… I am such a bad person.. I wonder how my friends can still tolerate me..

I miss doing a lot of things.. I am too busy.. but am I busy with the right things? Probably. Am I happy with what I am doing? I think so. Can I still manage the stress? Next question, please.

I am starting to like one person again.. darn. Why him, of all people.. I don’t want to ruin our threesome.. I don’t even know why I am starting to like him again.. we don’t even talk that much anymore despite the fact that we’re always together.. sometimes, I’m wondering why I’m making such crude jokes about us. Sometimes, he just rides along with those, but I wonder if he is feeling awkward about it. That would be the last thing that I would like him to feel..

I’m blogging again.. maybe I am not feeling too sane anymore.. damn.