att/detachments

my life now is so much different from my life before, in so many aspects. A lot of things have happened to me that I might actually be too ashamed to share to  my friends back home. I am also going through a lot of emotional attachments and detachments these days and they tire me out. being the introvert i am, i do enjoy the company of a few people, and then some. hanging out with them too often may be very enjoyable but i also don't want these new relationships to have any wrong connotations.

i told myself that im done with him. but i just don't get it. one intimate moment that we shared together, we became comfortable with each other again and then afterwards, go back to square one. its just too confusing and try as i might to shove the idea aside of my thoughts, i just can't. coz at the back of my mind, i know there is something up. i don't want to be confrontational anymore coz i have already hurt my pride and i don't want that to happen again. saddest part of it all, this is no longer some teenage romance for me. i am so done with that. and although finding that one person is not on top of my priority list, a jerk that would just play around my feelings has no place on my list either. why i can't freaking let go of him?

ive debated with myself over and over again that he's not worth it. and that i am just wasting all my time and energy thinking and hoping that it could work. did i finally meet my match of such a noncommittal person who would hurt me as much as i had hurt others? this is just too much.

lately, i've been becoming the third wheel of bro couples around me. its just funny. and being the dude that i am, i don't really mind. i just don't want to be put into that awkward situation of being around guys all the time and judged as the flirt or the easy to get. its not fair. first of all, its not that im attracting all these attention around me. it just so happened that these guys are easy to get along with, they don't give me a hard time (and yeah, at the back of my mind, i kinda like them). but still, i try not to cross that line of leading them on. i am just for the quality time with my guys, and i love it.

although, its been putting me into this awkward situation with this particular bro couple i am a third wheel of. one of them just recently broke up with his girlfriend, another friend of ours. i know in my heart of hearts that i am not the rebound girl here. its just that we get to talk more when they broke up and we really clicked. i like spending time with him (them) and i don't feel awkward at all. i just hope that we won't spread rumors about it. coz i hate rumors. and i hate being judged for something that other people dont know everything about anyway. i don't have to explain myself to anyone.

i don't think i can ever get out of this roller coaster of emotions. im getting tired of it. considering that i am not a very emotional person to begin with, this attachments and detachments just never end. i wish i could just hide inside my own cave or shell and never get out. away from all the judging looks of other people. away from all the messed up relationships im building. away from all the people who care about me. its sad. i know. just last night, i felt that. and the sadder part is im getting used to it. being alone doesn't feel as bad as it used to be because i am in that self-preservation mode again. i love being loved and loving someone in return. but the process of looking for it and keeping it is far too much for me.

i wish i could just turn back time and decided things differently, especially with him. he's hurt me so much but i just can't let go. what happened to my reasonable self?

sometimes, i just want to hit myself on the head just to punish myself from acting the way i do. i dunno anymore how to resolve this. do i need a therapist? 

i know that you'll never be able to read this and i'm sure i can't be this sincere in real life so here goes

Hey bro, what’s up? I know its kinda late but I wanna say this to you anyway. I like you. And I’m not sure if you feel the same way. From what I see, I don’t think you do. I hope I’m wrong. Sometimes, it makes me wonder what we have. Or if we have anything at all. It kinda sucks to be in this position for me coz I don’t exactly feel my happiest right now, but when I’m with you, that turns around. Sometimes I wish that I could just be next to you and hold your hand or hug you tight. Then I just feel so much better despite all these uncertainty in my life right now

I dunno why I’m doing this, saying all these things to you. I just feel like I need to let this out so that I can finally move on if ever you just like what we’re doing and not because you’re doing it with me. That feeling would suck, but at least I know where we stand. Or if you can’t figure things out right now, then its fine. I just don’t want to be weird around you anymore. I miss our old dynamics, when we just talked like we didn’t care about what the other thinks and just share stories. Memories. I’m cool with that. You’re one of my first friends here and I love your family. And I think they love me too, so I don’t want to lose that. As much as I don’t want to lose you.

what do i really want?

i have another problem in life (well i guess the only time I blog here is when I have a crisis. sorry blog). oh well, its not that i have at least one reader anyway so who cares?

why is it so difficult for me to figure out what i want? i hate the fact that i'm always changing my mind depending on how he acts. so un-me. or maybe, i've always been like that all along.

i am so clueless right now. i hate it. even though i actually want to take actions in my own hands, i have to fight the urge to do so because i want things differently. i dont want to be the one steering things in a relationship. can i actually have it this time?

maybe i can never really rely on him to do it. I'll just let God do it in His own time. I trust Him with all my heart. I know how uncertain things are for me right now. In so many aspects in my life and its scary, uncomfortable and disconcerting for me in so many levels. Unfortunately, I can't do anything about it.

Fine, its actually one thing which I could actually act upon. But then I still refuse to do so. something is totally wrong with me

ive written about a lot already but i still havent answered my question. what do i really want?

i want to know what's going on between us
how does he really feels towards me?
why doesn't he text me as regularly as before?
who is he really?
i want to know so much about him and i dunno how i can get those information
we don't really hang out often and when we do, we don't really talk a lot
why am i in this messed up situation?
will this actually get better? or worse?
is he happy when he's with me?

i want these questions to be answered. i want to know what's going on and it stresses me out that i can't. or i refuse to find out.

being a girl sucks big time

fear of commitment

committing myself has always been one of my issues. in retrospect, i know my past relationships had one recurring reason why i didn't fully commit myself, but deep down i admit that i am ultimately scared of commitment.

the first one was eleven years ago. im twenty-four now. lots of things have changed, maybe not my addiction for strawberry-flavored chapstick, and my best guess is that i am to blame.

i hate change, even though i've already accepted the fact that it is a constant in life. but then, change is good too. (how many cliches will i actually insert this entry, huh?) the transition period is the difficult part. just looking back this year, so many changes have happened in my life (and no, i will not convert this into a look-back of 2012).

being in a sort-of-relationship now (here we go again, being non-committal), a lot of things have changed compared to how we were before i left and four months after. we still talk, but unlike the way we used to. and i want to understand why. i am fearing the fact that i already got bored after more than a year of being "together". but deep down, my gut says its the reason, among others. and its not only the fact that i might be letting go of a relationship that scares me, its the fact that i really can't keep one. yep, and its my fault.

i know i couldve made decisions differently. i could've done something to fix this before it got worse, but do i really want to? that's the question that's been bugging me. i know that i am very stubborn, and i hate complications. i know that life is complicated in general, and no matter how you aim to simplify it, it just can't be done. hell, i've tried it.

although i haven't finally made a final decision on what to do, i'd like to move forward too, hypothetically. i have a budding friendship with someone who i think is at least interested in me. but knowing how uncertain my situation is at the moment, and all the more uncertain in the coming years, i would want to prevent myself from going into another complicated situation. i'd take adrenaline rush any day, over complications. so there, i guess that makes more sense now.

i do want to keep him at arms length though. and much as i would want to understand more what's going on between us, i'd rather save myself from the consequences. and i know that eventually, i might get into the details even if i don't want to. and if that happens, i will voluntarily hit my head on the wall as a punishment, or maybe just deprive myself from a shoe shopping spree. that would be more effective, and less physically painful. haha.

i promise myself that i will TRY to commit myself to something, or someone this coming year. the someone is a real challenge. and i will not force myself, nor rely on destiny or whatever fluffy stuff there is. i want to be more headstrong (and less stubborn), move quicker but smarter, and take on every opportunity as ever. i can do this. i'm excited about life again, and this is good. i got the well-needed boost that i needed. :)

go...

Because the world is poor and starving, go with bread.

Because the world is filled with fear, go with courage.

Because the world is in despair, go with hope.

Because the world is living lies, go with truth.

Because the world is sick with sorrow, go with joy.

Because the world is weary of wars, go with peace.

Because the world is seldom fair, go with justice.

Because the world is under judgment, go with mercy.

Because the world will die without it, go with love.

rest day

after a tiring week, here i go towards the end of it.. sa totoo lang, marami pang kailangang gawin pero pahinga muna ngayon at konting habol sa org work. tingin ko talaga napaka inefficient ko lately at nahihiya ako na ganun. sa totoo lang, ayokong nasisilip ako sa mga ginagawa ko lalo na pag nag-uunderperform ako kasi ayokong gawing reason ang pagkakaroon ng love life dahil hindi naman directly yun ang reason.

anyway, LFN na mamaya. hindi pa tapos ang costume ko. wahaha

masaya ako tungkol samin kanina. grabe, hmm.. intimate.. pero hinay-hinay lang dapat.. hmmm.. wala pa kaming final plans para sa valentines. naisip ko kasi, kailangan ba? wahah.. hindi, gusto kong magcelebrate kami. pero kailangan bang sa 14 talaga? ewan..

ano bang gusto ko sanang gawin namin sa valentines? sa totoo lang, wala naman akong specific thing in mind, basta sana lang may bonding time lang kaming dalawa. mag-usap, magbonding. yun lang, ok na ko dun.. hindi kailangan na bonggang celebration at kain sa labas (given na rin sa time constraint).. gift? wala naman akong hinihingi.. bahala na.. hmm... pero gusto siguro ng chocolates. yum. pampataba.

hmm.. napag-usapan namin kung anong nagustuhan namin at gusto sa isat-isa. magkaiba pa raw yun. nagustuhan is like first impression, gusto is what we eventually found out as we get to know each other.

nagustuhan ko sa kaniya. eto yung mga sinabi ko: super maalaga siya sakin, pinakamasaya kong relationship so far, the only guy who had the courage to get to know my religion better, sort of approved of by my mom and sister.

what he like about me: iba daw ako sa ibang mga babae (napaka-vague, i mean everybody is unique in their own way. anyhoo..) happiest relationship for him as well...

well, there are a lot of things i wasnt able to say to him a lot more of other things which i think i already wrote here way back.

just the same, i hope we continue to become stronger with what we have.

i just realized, more important than vday is the fact that its our third 'monthsary'

pagod na ako

pagod na talaga ako..

pero kahit ganun, i will still find reasons to keep me going...

libing na ni lola bukas. 2pm
philo orals ko rin bukas ng 550pm
tapos ma187 exam ko sa thursday
LFN sa friday
sportsfest sa saturday
buwanang pulong sa sunday
amf131 exam sa monday
ma195 exam sa tuesday
th141 report sa wednesday

sige lang, patayin niyo na ako.
ayoko na..

hindi ko rin naiintindihan ang nangyayari sa kin ngayon. mainit ang ulo ko na sa tingin ko ay resulta lamang ng marami kong nararamdamang emosyon, physical na pagod at academic stress.

idagdag mo pa ang fact na marami akong napapabayaang mga bagay para sa Gabay ngayon. hindi na nga ako natutulog pero parang wala rin naman akong nagagawa. so anong point.

ewan. tinatamad na ako.
pero wala naman akong choice
i still have to do things..

minsan, napapaisip ako kung worth it pa ba ang lahat ng ginagawa ko kaya all of a sudden, nagkakaroon ako ng focal point shift.

segue: marami akong hindi sinabihan regarding my lola's death. i mean, should i? ewan ko rin.. sa tingin ko kasi hassle naman sa mga tao na makipag-lamay pa.. kaya para sa mga mahal ko sa buhay na nagpunta talaga, i really owe them a lot, specially at these times..


kaya lang, parang nawala sakin ang essence ng paglalamay. parang naging party siya. ni hindi ko man lang nabigyan ng quiet time kaming dalawa ni lola. ni hindi ko naibuhos yung iyak ko para sa kaniya. sa totoo lang, nalulungkot talaga ako. at hindi ko alam kung bakit o ano.. a ewan. basta, gusto ko lang ibuhos lahat ng ito.

natuwa naman ako dahil nagpunta siya kanina sa burol. nakilala pa siya ng relatives ko.. si daddy, si mommy..hmm.. basta, masaya na rin ako, kahit papano.

although ngayon, basta weird ang feeling ko ngayon. about samin. pero wala akong masyadong brain cells na mailalaan dun sa ngayon. bahala na.

i just have to trust us.