i know that you'll never be able to read this and i'm sure i can't be this sincere in real life so here goes

Hey bro, what’s up? I know its kinda late but I wanna say this to you anyway. I like you. And I’m not sure if you feel the same way. From what I see, I don’t think you do. I hope I’m wrong. Sometimes, it makes me wonder what we have. Or if we have anything at all. It kinda sucks to be in this position for me coz I don’t exactly feel my happiest right now, but when I’m with you, that turns around. Sometimes I wish that I could just be next to you and hold your hand or hug you tight. Then I just feel so much better despite all these uncertainty in my life right now

I dunno why I’m doing this, saying all these things to you. I just feel like I need to let this out so that I can finally move on if ever you just like what we’re doing and not because you’re doing it with me. That feeling would suck, but at least I know where we stand. Or if you can’t figure things out right now, then its fine. I just don’t want to be weird around you anymore. I miss our old dynamics, when we just talked like we didn’t care about what the other thinks and just share stories. Memories. I’m cool with that. You’re one of my first friends here and I love your family. And I think they love me too, so I don’t want to lose that. As much as I don’t want to lose you.

what do i really want?

i have another problem in life (well i guess the only time I blog here is when I have a crisis. sorry blog). oh well, its not that i have at least one reader anyway so who cares?

why is it so difficult for me to figure out what i want? i hate the fact that i'm always changing my mind depending on how he acts. so un-me. or maybe, i've always been like that all along.

i am so clueless right now. i hate it. even though i actually want to take actions in my own hands, i have to fight the urge to do so because i want things differently. i dont want to be the one steering things in a relationship. can i actually have it this time?

maybe i can never really rely on him to do it. I'll just let God do it in His own time. I trust Him with all my heart. I know how uncertain things are for me right now. In so many aspects in my life and its scary, uncomfortable and disconcerting for me in so many levels. Unfortunately, I can't do anything about it.

Fine, its actually one thing which I could actually act upon. But then I still refuse to do so. something is totally wrong with me

ive written about a lot already but i still havent answered my question. what do i really want?

i want to know what's going on between us
how does he really feels towards me?
why doesn't he text me as regularly as before?
who is he really?
i want to know so much about him and i dunno how i can get those information
we don't really hang out often and when we do, we don't really talk a lot
why am i in this messed up situation?
will this actually get better? or worse?
is he happy when he's with me?

i want these questions to be answered. i want to know what's going on and it stresses me out that i can't. or i refuse to find out.

being a girl sucks big time