fear of commitment

committing myself has always been one of my issues. in retrospect, i know my past relationships had one recurring reason why i didn't fully commit myself, but deep down i admit that i am ultimately scared of commitment.

the first one was eleven years ago. im twenty-four now. lots of things have changed, maybe not my addiction for strawberry-flavored chapstick, and my best guess is that i am to blame.

i hate change, even though i've already accepted the fact that it is a constant in life. but then, change is good too. (how many cliches will i actually insert this entry, huh?) the transition period is the difficult part. just looking back this year, so many changes have happened in my life (and no, i will not convert this into a look-back of 2012).

being in a sort-of-relationship now (here we go again, being non-committal), a lot of things have changed compared to how we were before i left and four months after. we still talk, but unlike the way we used to. and i want to understand why. i am fearing the fact that i already got bored after more than a year of being "together". but deep down, my gut says its the reason, among others. and its not only the fact that i might be letting go of a relationship that scares me, its the fact that i really can't keep one. yep, and its my fault.

i know i couldve made decisions differently. i could've done something to fix this before it got worse, but do i really want to? that's the question that's been bugging me. i know that i am very stubborn, and i hate complications. i know that life is complicated in general, and no matter how you aim to simplify it, it just can't be done. hell, i've tried it.

although i haven't finally made a final decision on what to do, i'd like to move forward too, hypothetically. i have a budding friendship with someone who i think is at least interested in me. but knowing how uncertain my situation is at the moment, and all the more uncertain in the coming years, i would want to prevent myself from going into another complicated situation. i'd take adrenaline rush any day, over complications. so there, i guess that makes more sense now.

i do want to keep him at arms length though. and much as i would want to understand more what's going on between us, i'd rather save myself from the consequences. and i know that eventually, i might get into the details even if i don't want to. and if that happens, i will voluntarily hit my head on the wall as a punishment, or maybe just deprive myself from a shoe shopping spree. that would be more effective, and less physically painful. haha.

i promise myself that i will TRY to commit myself to something, or someone this coming year. the someone is a real challenge. and i will not force myself, nor rely on destiny or whatever fluffy stuff there is. i want to be more headstrong (and less stubborn), move quicker but smarter, and take on every opportunity as ever. i can do this. i'm excited about life again, and this is good. i got the well-needed boost that i needed. :)